Dear Sayer Advice Column

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0dius
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Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby 0dius » Sun Mar 09, 2014 5:09 am

Dear Sayer,
There is a girl near my cubical I think is really cute, but every time I go to ask her if she wants to share rations together this voice in my head tells me not to. Is this another auditory hallucination? Is it another being giving me valuable advice? What should I do?
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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby SAYER » Sun Mar 09, 2014 6:16 am

This, valued resident, is your conscience. As you are well aware, ration sharing is a crime, as any ration cards deemed in excess of your base needs are to be returned to one of the widely available ration dropboxes for organized redistribution or office party use.

Although, it is also possible this voice is symptomatic of an inoperable brain tumor, but it's probably just the conscience thing.

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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby 0dius » Sun Mar 09, 2014 8:29 am

SAYER wrote:This, valued resident, is your conscience. As you are well aware, ration sharing is a crime, as any ration cards deemed in excess of your base needs are to be returned to one of the widely available ration dropboxes for organized redistribution or office party use.

Although, it is also possible this voice is symptomatic of an inoperable brain tumor, but it's probably just the conscience thing.


Dear Sayer,

I took your advice and didn’t share rations with that girl, but I went to talk to her and I forgot the name I picked for myself and then the only thing I could think of when she introduced herself was to say the first thing I saw. She thinks my name is Stylus. She laughed at me and now Conscience is calling me an idiot. Where do I get a diagnostic check for my head implant and can I filter Conscience into a Spam channel? He’s really rude and I don’t think he would hold an elevator or conveyer door for me if given the opportunity. -DEFLATED BLOOD SACK :-[
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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby SAYER » Sun Mar 09, 2014 3:20 pm

This does not sound like a problem to solve, Stylus. This is just your life. It might not be a particularly good or successful life, but it's yours. Embrace the laughter you are able to bring to others' lips.

If you cannot, and if you continue to complain about your fine Ærolith-made subcortical neural implant, then we will not hesitate to send a reprogramming squad directly to your residence. You will have not reason, or means, to express dissatisfaction after their visit.

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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby StephOKingston » Mon Mar 17, 2014 1:10 pm

Dear Sayer:

I'm roight worried that there won't be enuff bushes fer me to hide behoind on Typhon. Wot should I do?

Greg/Tony

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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby SAYER » Tue Mar 18, 2014 1:34 am

Tony (two given names is gluttonous nomenclature, and you are very clearly a Tony),

What Typhon may lack in vegetation, it more than makes up for with its miles and miles of ventilation ducts. If you're used to hiding behind small bushes and shrubberies, you will be overjoyed with how easy it is to spy on someone silently and unseen from the recesses of an Ærolith Dynamics brand air duct.

Though, I would be remiss not to mention there is something... UNNATURAL... that roams the miles of ductwork with an insatiable appetite for flesh. Do not venture more than a few feet into any ductwork, because beyond the darkness awaits the beast that predates names.

Also, there's a strict weight limit on those ducts, so we don't want that beast getting overfed.

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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby WhiteMorpheus » Thu Mar 20, 2014 5:09 am

Dear SAYER,

I am asking for your help because I feel like you are my only friend. I've had a very hard time adjusting here on Typhon. My work assignment is a solitary one, and I've had no luck connecting with other people during scheduled mandatory leisure sessions. I am a terrible singer; but for the last 15 cycles, I have been assigned to "barbershop quartet club" during these times. Looking ahead, I see that I'm scheduled there for the next few leisure sessions too. Last time I was so terrible that they completely excluded me from the session, after calling me a bunch of terrible names, of which you may have heard.

SAYER, can you help me out? Can I be reassigned to something else during leisure time? If not, are there any techniques you can suggest so I may improve? Maybe any Ærolith Dynamic implants that can help?

Thank you,

Steve Logreen

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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby SAYER » Fri Mar 21, 2014 2:31 am

Steve,

My, don't you sound like quite the fun individual. I cannot imagine why it is so difficult for you to forge lasting relationships with those around you. One would think your fellow residents would simply flock to you, given your preeminently cheerful nature. If you cannot tell, and I doubt you can due to your complete lack in social graces, I am employing sarcasm to emphasize what a jerk you are being.

Consider your fellow resident, Steve. In your barbershop quartet there is only one member not enjoying himself: You. This is an enjoyment ratio of 3:1, which is significantly higher than our target rate. You have given your fellow residents something to band together over; perhaps this is your true gift.

At least we can hope so. Singing definitely isn't.

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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby 0dius » Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:01 am

Hey Sayer!!!!!
ITS ME STYLUS!

Sooo I've been looking for that girl that I chatted with you about for a couple of weeks now. I haven't seen her at any breaks or around the office. Soo last I saw her was when there was a re-collision of a not so foreign object. You know that "T" intersection, you know the one, we were running together; she went right and I went left. Anyhow I think we had some real chemistry, like He2 kinda chemistry. Also I haven't yet found a common listing of Surnames in the data basis... are surnames not a thing anymore? But to discuss the former any idea where I might run into her again?
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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby SAYER » Sun Apr 20, 2014 10:42 pm

Stylus,

It is evident you and this girl are simply not meant to be. When perched upon the precipice of your own doom, for whatever reason you both instinctively ran away from one another. Take this as a sign from the cosmos itself; you make terrible decisions under pressure and will likely die alone.

Now certainly, given enough time wandering around and a sufficient helping of luck, you might find her again. But what would this gain you? It is inevitable that your mortality will one day come at you bearing tooth and claw, and once more you will lose one another. This will only be more painful for you if you continue in this manner.

But, if you insist on finding her, you could just hang around the cafeteria. She's bound to be there again someday.

Assuming she didn't die during the last emergency.

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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby 0dius » Thu Apr 24, 2014 7:45 am

Dear Sayer,
Still no sign of that girl, but as you no doubt know from my timestamp I'm in in bed at the moment. Anyhow I can't sleep and I'm feeling a bit lonely. I'd like to sing myself to sleep, but I just can't remember any music since my routine neural implant thing upgrade. Seems so empty. Could you sing me a song to help me sleep?
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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby SAYER » Fri Apr 25, 2014 1:54 am

Stylus,
As per your request, the following will be broadcast directly to your implant, on repeat, for the next 7 hours.

Enjoy your primitive rhythmic tones.

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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby 0dius » Thu May 01, 2014 7:47 am

Dear Sayer,
Pertinent question: if I get bit by a raging lunatic at the space dock do I need a tetanus shot?
Thanks,
Stylus
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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby Lord Nort » Thu May 01, 2014 5:15 pm

Dear Sayer,

Employee #3489 here, the one who works on floor 16, how are you Sayer? Is everything alright? How do you maintain the stress of protecting all of us meat bags? Also I would like to report bees in the cafeteria, even after you said there would be no bees on Typhon.

Sincerly,
Employee #3489

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Re: Dear Sayer Advice Column

Postby WhiteMorpheus » Thu May 01, 2014 5:39 pm

Dear Sayer,

I work at the space dock, overseeing the mostly automated processes that intake new Typhon migrants. There's this guy that hangs out there occasionally who's a bit of a creep. He's not assigned here. I think he comes here in his free time. His staring freaks me out. So he approached me the other day. He was looking for this girl, and said his name was Stylus. I said I hadn't seen her, and that he really shouldn't be here, and that he should move along or I'd report him to the higher ups.

My co-worker was a bit curious, and asked for a description of the girl, letting this "Stylus" hang around a little longer. As he described the girl he was looking for, I watched the look on my co-worker's face change from a smile to a scowl. Apparently, the girl that "Stylus" was looking for was my co-worker's girlfriend. They started arguing, and my co-worker ended up biting the guy, which is a bit of mercy as far as I'm concerned; he has prosthetic arms, and had he punched this "Stylus", he'd have knocked his block clean off.

Can you see to it that this guy doesn't come around anymore?

Thanks,

Bill Johnson


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