This recap obviously contains spoilers from season 5 episode 5, so don’t read it unless you are weird and want to be spoiled before watching it.

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Grey Worm and Missandei, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Only Grey Worm is probably too injured to climb a tree. If you remember, he got stabbed up at the end of the last episode. Missandei seems to have been sitting by him, waiting for him to come to. She looks so sad and worried; I just want to give her hug and tell her everything will be okay, but that would probably be a lie because: Game of Thrones. Also, my girl missed an opportunity to check whether Grey Worm has his twig or berries or neither. Sure, it would’ve been a gross invasion of privacy, but we would’ve finally gotten the dang answer about how much they take off of the Unsullied! Okay, fine. I’ll stop being gross.

Later, Grey Worm finally comes to and asks Missandei how long he’s been laying there. Its been 3 days! She tells him that Barry the Bold died and he’s so sad saying he failed Barry and Dany. He confesses to Missandei that he was afraid when he was stabbed. Missandei starts to say that there’s no shame in being afraid of death, when he’s like “nah girl, I wasn’t afraid of death. I was afraid I would never get to see you, boo.” And then I fainted. Grey Worm is one smooth talker. Missandei lays down with him and kisses him. My heart exploded into 1000s of tiny hearts and I died of love and happiness. R.I.P me. Also, whilst watching this scene, my boyfriend was urging Missandei to find another dude because Grey Worm wasn’t “a man”, which made me scream “he’s more man than you’ll ever be”. My boyfriend agrees.

Dany is mad as all get out that the Sons of Harpy killed her Barry. Hizdar tries to pay his condolences, saying Barry was a brave man but Dany interjects saying “he died in an alley, butchered by cowards who hide behind masks.” Daario suggests pulling back and cleaning the city one neighborhood and street at a time, till the Sons of the Harpy have nowhere to hide. Dany has a different idea. She asks them to bring her the leaders of each of the great families and Hizdar goes “wait a minute…I’m the leader of my great family.” Sunglasses drop down on Dany, as she says “deal with it.”

She takes the leaders of the great families down to the dungeons where she keeps her children aka dragons. She makes them walk closer to the dragons, as she tells them that the dragons will eat them if she tells them to; heck, they may eat them even though she tells them not to. She says people tell her to give up the dragons all the time but she can’t do that because they are her chilluns; she can discipline them but she can’t abandon them. She pushes one of the dudes forward and the dragons straight light him up, tear him apart, and feast on him. While this is happening, she’s talking about who’s going to be next and touches Hizdar threateningly, who replies with Valar Morghulis (badass). She says she doesn’t want to overfeed her babies so maybe the next person will be fed to them tomorrow. Worst version of Dungeons and Dragons ever, amiright?

After smoochin’ on Grey Worm, Missandei goes to have a little chat with Dany, who is torn between Daario’s and Barry’s advice, so she asks Missandei what she thinks Dany should do. Missandei is like “umm wut?” She says “look girl, you have leaned on your councilors when you didn’t know shit, and you ignored them when you had a better idea, so you do you.” Dany makes up her mind and goes to Hizdar’s cell, where he starts pleading for his life. Dany says “what about ‘Valar Morghulis’?” and he says “turns out, I don’t want to die.” She surprises him by saying she was wrong about not opening the fighting pits and not letting them continue their tradition. She tells him that she will reopen the fighting pits for free men only and she will also marry a leader of a great house to establish a connection with Meereen. Good thing that an eligible suitor was already on his knees – she’s going to marry Hizdar, y’all! Party.

At the Wall, Sam is reading Aemon a letter about Dany and Aemon is the saddest of old men. He’s sad because Dany’s last living relation is so far away, useless and dying. This makes Sam a sad puppy but Jon busts in just ruining their moment. Jon wants advice from Aemon on something that he wants/needs to do but will also divide the Night’s Watch. Aemon tells him that half of the men already hate him so he should just do what he needs to do. He also tells Jon that he will find little joy in his command but with luck, he will find the strength to do what needs to be done. Then he tells Jon to “kill the boy and let the man be born.” I think that means Jon has to kill Ollie. JK. Please don’t leave mean comments.

Jon has a little chat with Tormund about the free folks. When Tormund tells Jon that the free folks will not follow anyone else, Jon says “how about you, bro?” Jon wants Tormund to go north of the Wall, get them free folks, and bring them south, where Jon will give them land, because they all belong to the realms of men and the Night’s watch is there to protect them also. Tormund tells him that neither the free folks nor he will kneel to Jon but Jon doesn’t need them to kneel, just so long as they will fight with him when the time comes. When Tormund keeps protesting, Jon tells him that he’s too prideful and stubborn to make peace…or maybe he’s a coward. Ooooooo. Shots fired. He unchains Tormund, tells him that his people need a leader and that he needs to make peace to save his people. He’s even going to talk to Stannis about borrowing his fleet! Tormund agrees to go…only if Jon goes with him. Dun dun dunnnn.

Jon is trying to get his brothers to understand his decision but they are not happy about it. Jon tries to reason with them saying if they don’t help the free folks, they will be murdered by the White Walkers. One of the brothers says that would mean “less enemies for us” and it cuts to Stannis silently correcting him by saying “fewer”. Well damn, Stannis the Mannis, the grammar Nazi over here. Dolorous Edd stands up saying that he’s usually with Jon with whatever he does but he cannot support him in this venture because the free folks killed Grenn, Pyp, and Ollie’s parents. (I miss you Grenn and Pyp). Jon tells his brothers that their only choices are to help the free folks or add them to the army of the dead.

Jon is super stressed in his chambers, and when Ollie comes in to bring him food, he asks Ollie to say whatever he wants to say to Jon. Ollie thinks that Jon’s talk about making peace is a just a ruse to trick them. Jon tells him its not and that he understands what its like to lose the people you love but winter is coming and they can’t face it alone. Ollie is not convinced and peaces out. I’d watch out for Ollie if I was Jon. He killed Ygritte; who knows what he would do to Jon for trying to help the people that killed his parents. A little spray on radiation in the Lord Commander’s food, mayhaps?

Gilly is hanging out with Sam in the library and she’s asking questions about how many books there are in the world and where the Citadel is. Sam’s answers are a little bit patronizing and Gilly catches on to it. Sam tries to make her feel better by saying she can do a lot of things he can’t like cleaning, stitching, cooking, etc. Nice attempt, Sam. He also tells her that he wanted to become a Maester but ended up at the Night’s Watch instead but he’s not mad about it because it led him to her. Awww. Right at the sweet moment, Stannis walks in and Gilly hurriedly leaves. Stannis tells Sam about how the only battle Robert had lost was the one he fought against Sam’s father, Randyll Tarly. Then he asks Sam how he killed a white walker because he definitely does not look like a fighter. Sam tells him that he stabbed the white walker with dragonglass and tries to explain what it is, but Stannis is like “come on brah, I live on Dragonstone…I know what dragonglass is.” Sam has not found any indication of why you can kill a white walker with dragonglass, other than the fact that the Children of the forest used to hunt with them. Stannis tells Sam to keep on keeping on because they will need to know how to fight them when they come.

Stannis then goes to Davos and tells him that they will be heading to Winterfell at sunrise. Davos tries to protest saying maybe they should wait till Jon comes back with the free folks but Stannis nixes that idea. And he’s making his wife and daughter go on the arduous journey with them. I understand Stannis not wanting to leave them at the Wall, where they could be attacked by white walkers any day but still, taking them with him seems like a very harsh journey to subject a little child to (I don’t GAF about Selyse). They are gearing up to leave the next day and Shireen is asking if she can visit the crypts of Winterfell when they get there. She also tells Davos that she’s not afraid of war but then Selyse comes up and tells them to quit talking about war. Shireen promises to protect Davos when the battle comes because he’s scared but she’s not. Sweet girl. Jon tells Stannis bon voyage, sees Melisandre staring at him, and watches them depart. He’s probably relieved he won’t have to deal with indecent proposals from Melisandre again…or maybe he’s sad? You know nothing, Jun Snuh.

Pod and Brienne are so close to Sansa, they can almost smell her. Pod starts to say that maybe Sansa is better off in Winterfell because its her home and Brienne is immediately like “wtf? She’s safe with the Boltons, who killed her mother and brother? Really?” An old dude brings them waster to wash up with and Brienne questions him about the Starks. After a couple of mind game questions, Brienne tells the old dude that she needs his help getting a message to Sansa inside Winterfell because her oath does not end just because Catelyn is dead.

Inside Winterfell, Ramsay’s girl, Miranda, is mad jealous about Ramsay marrying Sansa because he was going to marry her when he was just a bastard. Now that he’s a Bolton, he has to do what is good for the House and that is marrying Sansa. Miranda gets even more mad when Ramsay says Sansa is pretty. Ramsay sweet talks Miranda telling her not to bore him with jealousy and reminding her what happens to people who bore him. That makes her bite the shit out of his lip and tells him she won’t bore him, which turns him on because they’re both bat shit crazy.

Sansa is sitting in her room, pondering life when the old lady that said “The North Remembers” comes in, making an excuse about filling her water. She tells Sansa that she still has friends at Winterfell and to light a candle in the highest broken tower if she’s ever in trouble. Later, as Sansa is looking up at the broken tower, she is joined by Miranda, who asks her about her dress. Sansa is like who the fuck are you. Miranda says she’s the kennel master’s daughter and tries to make conversation about Sansa’s family and their tragedy – just seems like she’s trying extra hard to be friends but Sansa seems to see through it. She remains stand-offish through the whole conversation. Even when Miranda takes her to show her a surprise, Sansa still seems apprehensive. But she walks through the dog kennels either way, right up to the end. (Side note: those dogs are misbehaving like crazy. Remember people – blame the owner, not the breed.) And who is at the very last kennel, curled up in a fetal position? Its Theon. She calls him out as Theon but he just shakes his head and tells her that she shouldn’t be there, so she turns around and leaves. Its is so very very sad.

Later, Theon is getting Ramsay dressed and Ramsay comments about how particularly ripe Theon smells. He also asks Theon whether he has something to tell him. Theon first says no but then tells him that Sansa saw him, blubbering “forgive me master…I didn’t think…” Ramsay says he mustn’t keep secrets and tells him to get on his knees and give him his hand. This scene is so hard to watch because Theon is so terrified of Ramsay as a result of all the physical and psychological torture he has endured at the hands of Ramsay. He is so fucking terrified. But Ramsay takes his hand and says “I forgive you.” That damn bastard loves torturing Theon. I hope Sansa beats the shit out of him.

Ramsay, Roose, Walda, and Sansa are all eating and Ramsay goes around filling their wine goblets. He gets up to make a toast to their wedding because they’re all family, all of them being northerners after all. Walda tries to make small talk with Sansa saying it must be hard for Sansa, being in a strange place. Sansa shoots back saying “this is not a strange place…this is my home. Its the people who are strange.” Ramsay asks for more wine to be brought out and its Theon who brings it. Ramsay makes a big to do, asking Sansa if she’s still mad at Theon for killing her little brothers and telling her that he has punished Theon because the north remembers. I wanted to jump into the TV and shove those words back down his throat. Ramsay tells Sansa that Theon isn’t Ironborn or Theon anymore and that “he’s a new man…a new person at least…Reek.” Sansa is like “wtf dude, why are you doing this?” Ramsay makes Theon apologize to Sansa, which he does and Ramsay is like “ok tension is over. Since Theon is the closest you have kin here, he’ll be giving you away. Yay.” Roose says “Okay whatever. I have some news of my own. Walda is preggo and the Maester is sure it will be a boy. Okay bye.” Ramsay is not a happy camper.

He goes to talk to Roose and basically insults his stepmother, asking his father how they can tell she’s pregnant, how he managed to have sex with her, and how he found “it”. Smh. Ramsay is pouting because he thinks he is only Roose’s son until a better alternative comes along. So Roose tells him the story about how he was conceived: he had hanged the miller for not asking his permission before getting married and raped the miller’s wife under her hanged husband. A year later, she had showed up, claiming that the baby she was holding was Roose’s bastard child. He had half mind to kill her and the baby but he saw the baby’s face and realised that it was his son. Roose tells Ramsay this terrible story to reinforce to Ramsay that he will always be his son. So even though its terrible in every other kind of way, I guess its sweet in a Bolton kind of way? Roose also tells Ramsay that Stannis is at the Wall and he will have to take the North in order to take the Iron Throne. He asks Ramsay is he’s ready to beat Stannis and Ramsay says “hellz yeah, dad!”

Tyrion and Jorah are still boating along. Tyrion is hungover af complaining about “long sullen silences and an occasional punch to the face…the Mormont way.” He really really really wants wine but Jorah will not get him any. Tyrion even apologizes for letting his mouth get away from him but Jorah doesn’t budge. They’re sailing through Valyria because doom still rules there but pirates do not. They’re starting to be bros, reciting a poem about the doom in Valyria:

“They held each other close then turned their banks upon the end
The hills that split asunder and the black that ate the skies
With flames that shot so high and hot that even dragons burned
Would never be the final sites that fell upon their eyes
A fly upon a wall, the waves, the sea wind, that whipped and churned
The city of a thousand years and all that men had learned
The Doom consumed it all alike and neither of them turned.”

As they sail through the ruins of Valyria, they see a dragon fly overhead. Was it Drogon? As they are admiring the dragon, they hear a splash from the water. They don’t see what it was but as they are passing under a bridge, men covered in greyscale start jumping into the boat. They are Stonemen and Jorah tells Tyrion to not let them touch him. Tyrion does his best to stay away from them but he has his hands ties, so he can’t really defend himself. Jorah is doing everything in the defensive end. While Jorah is distracted by one Stoneman, another almost gets Tyrion. Tyrion just rolls off the boat to get away from dude but when he’s in the water, another Stoneman gets a hold of his ankle and starts pulling him to the bottom. Then everything goes black. I wonder how many people thought this was the end of the episode because I was saying “this cannot be it!” Well, it wasn’t and we see Tyrion come to, with Jorah watching over him. Jorah rescued him, for which Tyrion thanks him, but makes a comment saying he wouldn’t have needed rescuing if Jorah hadn’t kidnapped him in the first place. Jorah asks if the Stonemen got Tyrion and Tyrion says no. Jorah also says no when Tyrion inquires about him. His plan now is to walk and hopefully find a fishing village. If not, it will be a long walk. In the meantime, Jorah is going to find some firewood, so they can dry off and get some rest. As he walks away, he peels back a cloth wrapped around his wrist and we see that he lied – he has contracted greyscale.

 

Next week: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken.