Episode 191 - Mixed Messages

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A Group Hug

"I told you to eat my ass!" ~ King Titus Harper's final words

"I want to Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe this fucker into the worst version of Narnia." ~ Mike Bachmann, sadist


Episode 191 - Mixed Messages

Now that Askur is out of the way no one stands before us and our goal of eliminating Longcryer. So much of what we have done has lead us to this moment, even if it was just a side quest. While it is possible that Longcryer has some sort of information about who is trying to destabilize the major cities of the land we are simply here to put a mad beast down. Perhaps correcting the mistakes that still linger from your past somewhat lessens your sins? Doubtful, but revenge ought to feel pretty great.

Cast and Player Characters

Non-Player Characters



The group continues to contemplate how they should handle this whole Harper situation. Should they give him one of the vials that they were told by a trusted ally are antidotes for the potion in Harper's system, or should they wait until things start to go wrong? They decide not to give him the antidote. Their list of contingencies are thus:

  • If Harper is gonna die, and Longcryer won't die, and the rest of the party won't die, try to save him.
  • If Harper is gonna die, and the rest of the party will die, don't try to save him.
  • If Harper is gonna die, and Longcryer will die, but the party won't die... judgement call. Jaela or Aludra will choose.

They spend a lot of time formulating a plan to sew Askur's head back onto his body, have Jett animate his corpse, and have Harper Prestidigitize Askur's mouth to make it sound like he is speaking so that they can send the terrifying dwarf golem into Longcryer's chamber and lure the fiend back down to the antichamber, where they can surprise attack him.

This mostly goes according to plan, actually. Jett turns himself into a large wardrobe, which the party hides in, and sends the body of the dwarf into Longcryer's room. He is let in, and Askur tells Longcryer that he needs to show him the bodies. At first LC requests that he bring the bodies up to him, but after pushing, he agrees to be led to the bodies. Once down in the training room, Jett attempts to make LC hesitate by having Askur's body jump at him, as if it were a proffesion of love. This doesn't work, and combat begins.

Jett gets a suprise round, and reveals the party while attacking with a rapier. Longcryer is surprised to see Harper, and says, "Titus, I told you never to return." To which, Harper replies with his very last words: "And I told you to eat my ass." Longcryer touches the crystal hanging around his neck, and all of Harper's tattoos light up. They get brighter and brighter and brighter, and then they, along with Harper, explode.

And just like that, King Titus Harper is no more.

In a rage, the rest of the party attack. Aludra turns the walls to spikes and sends them flying at Longcryer, Jaela goes savage with her halberd and deals massive damage, and finally Jett summons the Jack House, and banishes LC to it. The minions in the Jerk Yert can't do direct damage, but they can construct a series of Home Alone-style traps that slowly make Longcryer's final hours a terrible nightmare in a labrynthian hellscape.

It is unclear exactly how the fiend Longcryer dies, but die he does. Jaela has a moment with Harper's goopy body.


  • The cast continually thought they could keep their list of spells from Michael, in the hopes that they can trick him. This is ridiculous.
  • Harper dies
  • this is the episode that the party finally realizes they can add their CON modifier to their Hit Die.

Inventory Updates

  • -Titus Harper to the party :'(

Quest Log Updates

  • [Complete] - Longcryer!
  • [Active] - Curse of the Raven Queen
  • [Active] - Investigate merchant deals in Glain, the Jewel of the East, and the Crescent Moon Coins
  • [Active][Sidequest] - Deliver a very small bag of coins to Wilma in Glain, the Jewel of the East
  • [Active][Jaela][Sidequest] - Deliver a letter to Reginald Thornberry
  • [Active] - What are birds?
  • [Active] - Who are the masked assassins?
  • [Active] - Save the shrinking high elf city of Galanthus


  • Recap
    • Tim - 12 - reroll (18)
    • Jennifer - 6
    • Nika - 12 - reroll (15)
    • Bachmann - 12 - reroll (17)
      • There is exactly a 0.0125% chance of a three-way twie, as occured.
        • Incidentally, there is a 0.000625% chance of all four cast members rolling the same number. Given how long the show has, and will, go on for, this may happen.

  • They all Investigate their surroundings.
    • Jett - 20
    • Harper - 13
    • Aludra - 17
    • Jaela - ? - groans and says "I didn't help"
      • There appears to be no one around.

  • Harper and Jett roll a Persuasion and Performance, respectivly, to fool Longcryer into coming downstairs.
    • Harper - 16
      • Fails to convince Longcryer to leave the room, but works after pushing. Unsure of how this is supposed to have worked mechanically.
    • Jett - using inspiration 30
      • Longcryer does think it is still Askur

  • Jett tries to send Askur's husk towards Longcryer to make him hesitate before combat begins. Michael says it will only be successful if he rolls a Nat20, so Bachmann has Alexa roll it, so they can all hear.
    • Alexa - I rolled a 20-sided die and got 13 + 13
      • It doesn't seem to work

  • They all roll Stealth to attempt a sneak attack on Longcryer
    • Harper - 9
    • Alurda - 11
    • Jaela - 15
    • Jett - 23

Combat begins

  • Initiative vs Longcryer
    • Longcryer
    • Aludra - 19
    • Jaela - 14
    • Harper - 9 (Harper's last roll was a 6 +3)
    • Jett - Nat1

Surprise Round!

  • Jett vs Longcryer
    • Projectile shoots him with... a part of the cabinet he is the form of...? I guess? - 23
      • Hit - 11 damage
    • Then attacks with a rapier - 17
      • Hit - 9 damage

Round one

  • Longcryer vs Harper
    • No attack, just kills Harper

Harper dies

  • Aludra vs Longcryer
    • Stoneshape the wall into a large spike.
      • DEX roll - 8
        • Misses, but it catches his robe and pins him to the ground.

  • Jaela vs Longcryer
    • Names him as her Oath of Enmity
    • Melee Attack (Halberd) x2 - 21, 17
    • Hit, Hit - 48 total damage

  • Jett vs Longcryer
    • No attack, sends LC into the Jack House, where the army of Meeseeks finish him off.