"He needs to deal with his problems in a more productive way, but change his heart, bitch." ~ Mike Bachmann, of the depressed kraken creature
"Oh! I didn't know I was going to be doing a brain battle against a... scum lord..." ~ Toby Treacletart
"I hope you like to eat ass and look at dust!" ~ Lahni Caplain
"Can I give my inspiration to Aludra-- Jennifer-- Kanye West?" ~ Tim Lanning, 2018
We knew that getting into the tower was going to be hard but honestly we kinda hoped that whatever was in the lake was going to be the worst of it. We had no idea that a supreme fighting force would get in our way. Luckily, the Tower of Grey is also a Supreme Fighting Force so they better get their pants tied tight because a skill based challenge beat down is coming their way!
Cast and Player Characters
- Frank Ubell
- Nook Nimmlock
- High Level Executive-Class Drow Supreme Fighting Force
- Green Goldo
- Red Racoome
- Blue Burter
- Yellow Yertha
- Four buff Satyrs
- Justin Timberlake
- Lance Bass
- JC Chasez
- Joey Fatone
The member of The Tower of Grey find themselves fighting a group of tentacle-y monsters under the lake surrounding the Castle of the Spring Court, which they need to get to. Their new ally, Nook Nimmlock has just been dragged 100 ft underwater, which is bad, in my opinion. Frank Ubell thanks Skud Derringer for saving his life (Skud claims he was aiming for Nook), and Toby asks to shake Frank's hand. When Frank goes to do that, he finds that Toby is actually a cactus, and Frank grabs the spiny needles. The party enters their classic "spit out a bunch of ideas ranging from stupid to great" bit, where the following ideas are put forth:
- Toby suggests turning someone into a large bird
- Rowan thinks the bird could hold onto a basket that the rest of them are in
- Frank says they could send a helicopter on a hang glider
- Lahni thinks they could go invisible somehow
- Toby says that he could cast Telekinesis on a rock or plank of wood or something, that they all stand on
- Rowan thinks they could walk on her Wind Wall
- Toby could turn someone into a bird or a big whale, or create invisible creatures to distract it/them
- Skud suggests using Polymorph to turn someone into a big fish
- Lahni suggests a tentacle instead, because it might not attack another tentacle
- Toby thinks they could turn someone into a bird, then he casts Invisibility on that bird,
Toby tells Frank he should stay here, and tries to do the cactus handshake thing again, but Frank is having none of it. He says that he is "contractually obligated to stay with you and make sure you don't spend any money!" Toby utters a swear, then apologizes, offering his hand again. Frank takes it, expecting the cactus, but it is actually Toby. A real handshake! Hurray!
Eventaully (E-fucking-ventually), they decide on a combined idea for Skud to turn Lahni into a large Sea Raven, and have Toby casts Invisibility at sixth-level on her, and they all climb on. This works. The Sea Raven/Lahni creature flies around the castle a few times to scope it out. She soon sees the rooftop that is wide enough to land on. They can see on the island, many foes and scary baddies that scare them. Everyone tries to look around, to see if there is a way inside, but it seems this roof is pretty inaccessible from within, so there's nowhere to enter from here. Lahni suggests looking at the orb, but then remembers that they are invisible, and lighting the orb will light it up, making them visible. Toby has his bird-familiar, Arlington, peck at it after they set it on the ground. This happens, and the orb emits a bright and shiny view of the very Castle upon which they sit. There are no windows on the Castle, so there seems to be no way to fly in through the side. There is an entryway, that seems to be open, at the bottom of the Castle, but it is surrounded by the afformentioned terrors. Also, there is some kind of hole dug into the side of the tower that is full of evil and darkness and spider webs. And there are probably some Fey being executed in the courtyard.
Skud suggests casting Summon Lesser Demons at eighth level to create a bunch of demons somewhere close by, which will (hopefully) attack the monsters all around, giving our dudes (gender neutral) a chance to sneak through. The others are for this plan, so Skud utters foul words ("Fuck! Shit! Cock! Shit!") and 24 demons appear mid-air! Toby casts Major Image to make it seem as though Balor is there. The demons tear shit up (Balor just scares people), and there seems to be chaos in the courtyard. An opening presents itself when several guards clear their post to fight the demons newly created, allowing for our stalwart heroes, no longer invisible, to make their way into the Castle, which they do. As soon as they approach the entryway, however, they are suddenly surrounded by a strange, purple flame. A dark elf flies in from off screen somewhere and lands right in front of them. He stands on one leg, and holds his arms out, wearing big green shoulder pads, and he yells "Supreme Fighter Green Guldo!" Another one lands next to him and yells "Supreme Fighter Red Recoome!". A third one, "Supreme Fighter Blue Burter!". And a fourth one, "Supreme Fighter Yellow Yertha. Nice try..." Yellow Yertha seems to be the leader of this group, and he challenges the party to a series of challenges, warning them that they would surely destroy them in a fair fight. If they succeed in these challenges, then they will allow them to proceed into the tower. But if they fail, they will be made to willingly submit to Lolth, the Spider Queen. (I'd just like to interject here and say what terrible guards these guys are. Lolth should fire them immediately.)
Toby calls their team together to discuss this, while the Ginyu Force team also seems to be determining who will be the first to challenge them. For some reason, our heroes decide to do a cheerleading pose, where everyone stands on top of each other. I'll be honest, I have no idea why this is happening. The Ginyu Force admires their poses, though, so what the fuck do I know. Anyway, they put forth Green Guldo first, in "The Ultimate Brain Battle". Naturally, Toby steps forward, and (attempts to) insult the man. Meanwhile, Blue Burter challenges them to "The Ultimate Speed Battle". Again, naturally, Lahni volunteers herself. Yellow Yertha announces "The Ultimate Accuracy Battle". Rowan puts herself foreward (after a brief argument with Skud). Red Racoome challenges either Skud or Frank to "The Ultimate Endurance Battle". Skud does that.
The Speed Battle: Blue Burter (who knows Lahni's name somehow), tells her that they will race one time around the island, which should be about 10 seconds. The race begins! Lahni uses her gross ferret pouch thing as a form of nitro boost, to gain extra speed. She thinks she'll probably beat him, even though he proves himself to be a formiddable opponent. But then, he announces "SECOND GEAR", and he begins gaining on her. While running through a canyon, rocks begin to fall, but Burter is able to dodge out of the way. Lahni flips over one of them, whilst somehow eating an egg salad sandwich, and passes Burter, jumping like a blur from rock to rock. She lands ahead of Burter, but he launches into "THIRD GEAR", and pulls ahead. Soon they come across a large canyon with a log bridge across it. Burter crosses first, dislodging the log, and forcing Lahni to try to cross it anyway, riskily. She does that! In front of them, there is a harbor, and Burter runs across it, seeming to go so fast that he is running on the water. We there cut to --
The Brain Battle: Green Guldo tells Toby that he will be quizing the gnome as his challenge. He produces a large tome, a comprehensive detailing of the life of Doug the Dark Elf. This is very lucky for Toby, who is a huge fan of DtDE. The first question: "What creature was Doug the Dark Elf's first pet? What was his name, and how did Doug find it?" Toby responds that Doug tamed an "all black hyena named Hyenalaharrrgghgh, whom he one in a contest against a wizard to get the little statue." This is correct! The second question: "Under what unusual circumstances did Doug the Dark Elf slay his first monster?" Toby thinks for a second, then posits that it was during a routine tour of the Underdark when they found a Hook Beast. Also something about following his sisters? Whatever. It's right! This angers Guldo, who then asks the third question: "According to Doug's autobiography, what is his greatest treasure?" Toby confidently answers that it is obviously his --- and then Tim says a word here that I can only guess is "shibitars". Whatever this is supposed to mean, it is incorrect. The true answer is "Friendship." That's one point to Guldo. The fourth question: "What is Doug the Dark Elf's fondest memory?" Toby thinks for a bit before landing on "sparing that elf child", which is correct! Guldo promises that the next question is sure to be a stumper, and we cut there, to...
The Accuracy Battle: Yellow Yertha challenges Rowan, saying that he will be using his Ki blasts, while she uses her Oathbow. Yertha goes first, and blasts a hole in a target about 100 yards away. Rowan, not content with merely shooting an arrow through the hole, turns around and bends over backward to shoot it upside-down. It works, the arrow passes right through. Three more targets appear, and Yertha shoots three Ki blasts, two of which land perfectly, but he misses slightly on the third one. Rowan steps up and (sarcastically) consoles the man. She shows him how it's done. The first shot lands perfectly. The second shot, also lands perfectly. The third shot is so good is passes right through the target and keeps on going. Some say it's still flying to this day. Damn. In frustration, Yertha commands Frank stand by the tree with an apple on his head! The villain (Toby's word, not mine) shoots first, and successfully blasts the apple, not harming the accountant. He puts another one there, and it's Rowan's turn. For some reason, she decides to try to shoot through her own legs. This scares Frank, who flinches, causing the arrow to catch him in the ear. It is clipped right off! And that's where we cut to...
The Endurance Battle: Red Racoome tells Skud that he will test his endurance. The first way they do that is with a keg of beer, which they both must drink from, while standing on their heads on top of the keg. It's called a keg stand. Skud is able to last a full minute longer than the other dude, handily beating him. Phase Two begins, which is a Dog Sausage Eating Contest. Skud once again wipes the floor with him. Phase Three is: The Hotbox Challenge. They both enter a tent filled with Silverweed Oil smoke, and whoever can last longest wins. Skud, who can breathe in water, brings in a bottle of water and sneakily uses it to breath. This helps, and he wins a third time! Hurray! Racoome promises that he'll never win this next challenge, but we cut away to...
The End of the Episode!
The party thinks about how they can cross the lake to get to the Castle of the Spring Court inside it. They decide to turn Lahni into a large bird, turn themselves invisible, and fly over. They then look around for a little while, to see how to get inside, and find a back entrance to the Castle, guarded by Drow. After creating a distraction of many demons, the party attempts to sneak into this entrance, but are stopped by four Drow that challenge them to a series of challenges. One test Toby's intelligence, one test Lahni's speed, one tests Rowan's accuracy, and one tests Skud's Endurance. Our heroes are doing well, but things are ramping up as the episode ends.
- Michael didn't expect the party to get stopped by the tentacles, thinking that they were going to do something to move right past that whole situation
- The demons that Skud summons are Abyssal Wretches with wings
- The weird anime guard team is a reference to the Ginyu Force from Dragonball Z
- Nika is extremely boy horny for skill challenges!
- Seat belts have not been invented in Drunkeros, "and they never will be." per Michael
- Toby claims to have visited Norhall Academy at one time
Quest Log Updates
- Tim - 12
- Nika - 16
- Jennifer - 6
- Bachmann - 17
- Everyone rolls Perception to hear what's going on in the Castle
- Toby - 12 (Investigate)
- Lahni - 27
- Skud - 26
- Rowan - 16
- There doesn't seem to be any doorways or entrances
- Skud rolls 1d6 to see how many demons appear - 5
- 8 demons, but actually, he casts it at Eighth Level, so he triples it, so it's 24 demons!
- Lahni rolls Acrobatics during the speed battle to jump over a rock - 14 (uses inspiration) - 22
- Success - she dodges the rocks
- Lahni rolls Survival during the speed battle to un across the falling log - 23
- Success - She runs across
- Toby rolls History to know about Doug the Dark Elf - 25
- Success - He knows the thing
- Toby rolls History again to know more about Doug the Dark Elf - 29
- Success - He continues to know the thing
- Rowan rolls an attack roll to shoot an arrow - 26
- Success - Nothing but net
- Rowan rolls three more attack rolls to shoot more arrows
- Shot 1 - 25
- Shot 2 -
Natural 1 Uses inspiration - 20
- Shot 3 - 29
- Rowan rolls yet another attack roll to shoot an arrow at the apple on Frank's head - 15
- Skud and Red Racoome roll off for the Keg Stand, using Constitution
- Skud and Red Racoome roll off for the Dog Sausage Eating Contest, again using Constitution
- Skud and Red Racoome roll off for the Hotboxing Challenge, using Survival, Skud has advantage