Episode 302 - Never Have We Ever

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Lahni, fast as the Flash!
"I got one where I can get a person lost, and one where I can make 'em stupid." ~ Skud describing his new abilities


Episode 302 - Never Have We Ever

I think it is safe to say that the heroes of our story needed to let off a little steam. To collectively exhale, let their guard down and just act like all of existence isn’t being threatened by some all powerful force. Luckily they have made some allies that many consider gods. It is good to have friends like that. Friends who have whole cities named after them.

Cast and Player Characters

Non-Player Characters



Long Story

The Tower of Grey is having a massive party, at The Tower of Grey, to celebrate their escape from Grull, and freeing of the gods Pelor and Torog, as well as rescuing Snatch Treacletart, Verona, and Bercy Hamhands. Wow, it's a been a busy couple weeks hasn't it. There are many party games played and feats of strength abound. Toby gets Borris high off of Silverweed Oil for the first time. He also promises his simulacrum, Toby 2, that once they are done saving the world, that he will use his Wish spell to make him a real boy. One of Skud's skeletons has made a sled out of another of the skeletons, and is riding it down the stairs.

The gang also plays "Never Have I Ever", in a move that was specifically done to make this Wiki article a hell to write, because you know I gotta record that shit. Here's what we learn

  • Toby's never gotten a B in school. Whether that means he was an all A student, or if he got consistently C's is anyone's guess (it was definitely all A's)
    • Rowan, by contrast, has gotten at least one B (most likely many B's. No offense, Rowan)
    • Skud was home-schooled
    • Frank did poorly in gym class
  • Rowan's never thrown up from drinking
    • Toby and Skud have
  • Lahni has never "Rasseled a wild hog while it was raining under a full moon while a werewolf watched."
    • No one else has, except Frank
  • Skud has never gathered up the corpses of everyone he's ever met and made skeleton constructed servants.
    • This skeeves everyone out
  • Toby has never had #buttsex
  • Frank always puts 20% or more into savings
  • Bercy has never punched a priest in the face
    • Rowan has, as does Lahni
  • Toby has never gone on a date
    • Bercy also doesn't drink
    • Neither does Lahni
    • Neither does Skud
  • Clarence Scrimald has never chopped off/healed more than 6 fingers in one day
  • Rowan's never had a bank account in her own name
    • This horrifies Frank
  • Skud's never had a dad who's proud of him
    • Toby's father is very proud
    • Bercy doesn't have a dad, but Old Mrs. Hamhands is proud of him
  • Lahni's never had a family that's lasted this long without all dying
    • This makes everyone cry and hold hands (so they glow)

Everyone goes to bed. The next day, they are level 18! Skud and Lahni are made official members of the Tower of Grey, instead of interns, and their pay is discussed. Lahni wants a little bit of gold, so she can buy stuff, while Skud wants to be paid solely in specialty bones. He also asks for dibs on any bones they come across. This is granted, under the caveat that Toby can determine if the bones are magical and Skud might fuck it up somehow.

Toby also asks Snatch if he wants to go home, and he does. They then turn to business. Rake informs them of some strange goings on in New Newfoundland Land, referencing a dragon. They send some adventurers that way, but tell them to be careful. The party then thinks about going to see Ioun. They know that she probably lives in a great library, in her own demi-plane, so it is unlikely that they will encounter many dangers there. They also have that crystal that will take them there instantly. After a moment to prepare a bunch of sandwiches for themselves, they all hold hands and break the crystal. And they are transported to a giant library.

It is the biggest library they've ever seen. Toby's eyes get wide, and he immediately runs off. Lahni inquires about if they have The Scarlet Harlot here, to which a voice responds that they have the entire series. This is not Ioun, but it is a library helper, whatever that's called. His name is Gibbons. He distributes library cards to each member of the party, then takes them to see Ioun.

She sits behind her desk, important and smart. Several stones float about her head, and her eyes are glowing. She asks to see The Orb, but reacts horrified when she lays eyes on it. It obviously causes her a great amount of discomfort. She tells them the tale of how the Orb came to be, which is also the tale of the creation of the universe...

In the first age of magic, the primordial god Gaia created the universe and all life. She made children, powerful in the ways of magic, to keep her company, as well as mortals to keep her entertained. Soon, all except one of the children began taking pleasure in torturing the mortals. They conspired together, and overthrew Gaia, murdering her. The children became the proto-gods. The good child chose the six wisest mortals, and granted them magic. Together, the child and the six mortals made up the original Circle of Seven. The Circle spent one thousand years creating the Orb, an immensely powerful artifact with the power to kill a god. Each of the six size was created by a moral, and the core was created by the child. It was designed to kill the other children. Whenever one of the proto-gods was killed, they would fracture into the gods that we know today. After all the bad gods were killed, the mortals of the Circle turned on the one good god, and killed them as well. This caused the Orb to be broken into seven pieces, and scattered throughout the lands.

So that's it. The Orb is a god killer, but only once all six sides are brought together with the core. They have four pieces now. Ioun tells them that they need to destroy the device, but it must be complete before they can do that. Also, the Monastery of Uthgar was created to hold and contain the core of it. Pyre seemed to know about it, which is why he attacked. Also, Ioun is writing the next book in The Scarlet Harlot series!


The revelries of The Tower of Grey continue well into the night, resulting in many hangovers the next morning. Nevertheless, our intrepid heroes press on, sending some of their supply of adventurers toward New Newfoundland Land to help with the terrors of Tiamat. Then, they use the crystal Pelor gave them, to be transported to The Great Library of Ioun. After getting their library cards from a reluctant librarian, the party is ushered in to meet Ioun. She tells them that the Orb they are carrying was originally created to slay gods, but only when it is fully assembled. They need to destroy it, but this, too, only happens when it is fully assembled. There are three more pieces left to find...


  • The party is now level 18!
    • Toby now has "Spell Mastery", which means he can cast prepared first and second level spells without using a spell slot (can't use them at a higher level)
    • Rowan now has "Feral Senses", so she can attack invisible enemies without using disadvantage, and if they are within 30 ft, she can sense their location
    • Lahni has a strange vision of her brother, Lannie, from which she derives the ability to enter the Astral Plane from her speed. She also can use "Empty Body", which means her speed increases. She can turn invisible because she's so fast, and she can cast Astral Projection without needing the material components
    • Skud gains the spells Feeblemind, making the victim dumb for 30 days, and Maze, sending them to a Maze
  • Frank is eating breakfast from Joe-Bob's Oat Emporium, from Mastwick
  • Clarence Scrimald is the pastor from Red Dead Redemption 2. He is a half-Orc with Golden hair
    • He was previously a Tiefling, but whatever
  • There is a flashback where they visited Pelor's Hope in the last episode. Ashayara Dayne was very haughty, and Thom Harper was happy to see them. There was no real news aside from that
  • Rowan remembers the mural they saw in Episode 272 that was also this same creation story

Quest Log Updates


  • Recap
    • Tim - 3
    • Bachmann - 9
    • Jennifer - 15
    • Nika - 18

  • Bercy and Ava arm wrestle
    • Bercy - 19
    • Ava - 6
      • Bercy wins

  • Toby rolls Religion to see if he knows where Ioun lives - 20
    • He knows she lives in the greates library in the multiverse, probably in her own demiplane