Episode 378 - The Crimes of Catherine Beanlord

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{From left to right:} Toby Treacletart, Skud Derringer, Lahni Caplain, and Rowan Grey, I believe

"I tried just runnin', but sometimes, you just gotta face things." ~ Lahni Caplain

"Some things are better left as bones." ~ Rowan Grey


Episode 378 - The Crimes of Catherine Beanlord

Family. Momma Mia. The spiciest meatball of them all, some say. LIsten as we unpack a tale of familial woe that may hit close to home. But remember, found family is often times more important, which is beautiful.

Cast and Player Characters

Non-Player Characters



Long Story

The Sorrowful Man, whom I will call him until we get some confirmation on his name/spelling, is crying. Very on brand for him. He and sister Lahni finally reconnect, and it's revealed that he is trying to be a Bone card master in order to bring their family back from the dead as skeletons. And yet, he thinks that Lahni's goal to run fast enough to travel through time and save their family is stupid. Double Standards. He also remembers that day in Arkensaw differently from Lahni, claiming that HE is the one who killed the Caplains. Lahni thinks that the pie her family ate was poisoned by the rival Coymacs, but the SM disagrees. He says that the Coymacs had won 2 years in a row, and this year, Randall Coymac was up to something. He'd come from the apothecary with a bag of something, so the SM stole it. It was a strong spice, and, thinking Randall was planning to put it in their cake/pie (it's unclear), instead put it in their own cake/pie. Did any of that make sense? The short version is that the SM accidentally put poison in their dish, and killed the whole family. Boo hoo. It's very sad. Rowan points out that Randall was obviously going to poison the food himself anyway, so the SM can't really be blamed.

As they've been speaking, they've also been walking. But where were they going without ever knowing the way? Why, to the graveyard, of course. They made a pact to return to the home of Catherine Beanlord to retrieve the bones of Tuck Frump. Toby attempts to Resurrect a part of Akkio, which shouldn't work, but Michael allows because fuck it. Akkio is a shirtless dude with sweatpants. But, after he is about to air his many grievances with the party, Toby stabs and kills him. He reverts back to bones. It's fucked up.

Anyway, it eventually comes down to The Sorrowful Man giving them the Earth Badge they need. Hurray! Also, they ask the SM to join the Tower of Grey, which he agrees to do! They finally exit the Night Zone and, before returning to Catherine Beanlord, they first sleep, so that Toby can tomorrow Revive Scruple Merritswine. Upon doing so, however, it's revealed that Scruple was in fact killed by Beanlord herself. They burst in to confront her, and learn that she, in fact in fact, murdered everyone in this graveyard. What the fuck? Some more of the names buried here are: Ser SemiSoft, a knight, who might have been killed by a dagger to the back. There's also Demetre Rastaf Von Maxwell, who was also killed the same way. Maybe. Wink. Anyway, they kill her.


Lahni and her brother reunite, and the party returns to Catherine Beanlord, learning that she's a serial killer who killed Tuck Frump and Scruple Merritswine. So they killer. Not a lot of plot happens, but we learn a lot of backstory for the Caplains, and it's one of the funniest episodes of this show ever. They're all bangers, but this one? *Chef's kiss*


  • Erynn Colleen and Marlamin Windlore are still alive. John is dead
  • Lahni calls the Sorrowful Man Lenny, which was not one of the options before, so now I'm all kinds of confused
  • Lahni considers Bercy Hamhands to be her life partner
  • In addition to the Caplains and the Coymacs, there was also the Fishbutts, and the Stickheads back in Arkensaw
    • Lahni was spared from eating the poisoned pie because she was eating the Stickheads' cumin cookies
  • Toby wears gloves
  • Akkio as human is Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force
  • Toby can't actually summon 25,000 gold per day
  • Wednesdays at the Tower of Grey are the All-Group Hands-On Meetings
  • Toby/Tim forgot the name of Terrance: Hugo reminded him in the chat. Thanks!


  • Lahni
  • Rowan
  • Skud
    • Gold Bone Coin that lets him enter the Bones championship
    • Water Badge
    • Earth Badge
    • Heavy Armor, atop of his robe, adorned with fish
    • Sending Stone
    • Longsword of Wounding
  • Toby
    • Letter opener of Silga Darvo
    • Diary of Silga Darvo
    • Dossier on a Warehouse Owner
    • Robe of Stars
    • Broom of Flying
    • Sending Stone
    • Scroll of Teleportation {x3}
    • Ring of Mind Shielding
  • Bercy Hamhands
  • Anyone
    • "Several" Potions of Fire Resistance
    • Potions of Haste
    • Dark Blade
    • More Sending Stones, just in case
    • Potions of Underwater Breathing
    • Bag of Infinite Burgers
    • Bag of Infinite Moscow Mules

Quest Log Updates


  • Recap
    • Tim - 16
    • Jennifer - 15
    • Nika - 18 - roll-off - 17
    • Bachmann - 18 - roll-off - 15

  • Skud rolls a d100 to see how old one of the bones in Akkio's body is
    • 22
      • It's actually Akkio