In the ramp up to the Game of Thrones Season 5 premiere on April 12, Geekly Inc is doing character-centered recaps as well as a short recap of Season 4.

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 Cersei Lannister

Since Jaime returned to Kings Landing one hand short, Cersei has a new hand commissioned for him; one made out of GOLD. While Qyburn is fitting him with his new hand, Jaime is like “can i haz something useful?” Cercei also thanks Qyburn for his help with “another matter” and he asks whether the symptoms have subsided. She won’t tell Jaime what mysterious symptoms she’s suffering from and also rebukes his romantic moves, saying everything has changed. She’s mad at him for leaving her alone and taking too long to come back. Cersei has no chill. We also see one of her spies coming to tell her about the exchanges between Tyrion, Shae, and Sansa.

At Joffrey and Margarey’s wedding breakfast extravaganza, she snitches by telling Tywin that Shae was seen leaving Tyrion’s chambers.  I guess Cersei hasn’t heard of the whole “snitches get stitches”, but really, she wouldn’t GAF. When Brienne comes up to congratulate the couple, Cersei, ever so quick to find fault, points out that Brienne bowed instead of curtsying. Later, she thanks Brienne for returning her brother safe and sound but also criticizes her for flip-flopping sides from Renly to Catelyn and now Jaime. When Brienne protests and says she doesn’t serve Jaime, Cersei asks her if she loves Jaime, to which Brienne has no answer.

I really like the exchange between Tywin, Cersei, Ellaria, and Oberyn. Oberyn tells Cersei and Tywin that bastards aren’t despised in Dorne, to which Cersei remarks “how very tolerant of you.” Tywin wishes a speedy recovery to Prince Doran, who is suffering from gout. Oberyn says that he is surprised Tywin doesn’t suffer from it as well, seeing as how gout is called a rich man’s disease. When Tywin replies that he has different lifestyles than Oberyn’s people in Dorne, Oberyn quips that everyone has their differences…some places high-borns look down upon people of low birth and in other places, the rape and murder of women and children is considered distasteful. BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRN. He also pointedly calls Cersei former Queen regent.  DOUBLE BURN.

Cersei enjoys the wedding festivities, laughing at the reenactment of the “war of the 5 kings”. When Joffrey starts to choke and sputter, she rushes to his side. As Joffrey points to Tyrion with his dying breath, Cersei screams bloody murder and accuses Tyrion of murdering Joffrey.

Joffrey’s body is laid in the Sept and Cersei, Tommen, and Tywin are mourning. Well, Cersei is mourning; Tywin is giving lessons to Tommen about how to be a better king than Joffrey. Too soon? Jaime comes in as Tywin and Tommen leave. Cersei is super sad about Joffrey and really wants Jaime to (probably) murder Tyrion for what he did to their son but Jaime is like “uhhhh I’m not 100% sold on Tyrion = murderer”. He tries to comfort her by attempting to make sweet sweet love in front of their dead child. She is resistant and says no and it isn’t right but he is forceful and keeps going. This scene is very cringe worthy; it is not portrayed as rape in the book and apparently the actors weren’t portraying it as rape either but many viewers were upset because they did perceive this as rape and unnecessary violence.

At Tommen’s coronation, Cersei looks SUPER pissed that Tommen and Margaery have secret smiles for each other. Cersei acknowledges to Margaery that Joffrey would’ve been a nightmare but she loved him regardless because he was her firstborn. But Tommen is a decent boy and could make a decent king. When Cersei inquires about whether Margaery would be up for marrying Tommen, Margaery says she has to speak with her father about it and Cersei says she needs to speak to hers as well. Margaery then remarks that she doesn’t know what to call Cersei – sister, or mother.  Boom, roasted.

At Tyrion’s trial, Cersei recounts how he told her that “a day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid.” She puts forth this statement as a threat against Joffrey’s life, which ultimately led to his murder. Following Tyrion’s “confession” and request for trial by combat, Cersei picks the Mountain as her champion. And, boy does she love it when the Mountain beats Oberyn. *tears*

Cersei tells Tywin again that she does NOT want to marry Loras because she wants to stay in Kings Landing with Tommen. Since Jaime is a Kingsguard and Tyrion’s champion lost, Tywin is all about saving the their good name and questions her commitment to the family. She is worried that Margaery and Tywin will pull Tommen apart between them and she just ain’t having it. She threatens to tell everyone the truth about her and Jaime if she is made to marry Loras and sent away. She tells Tywin that his legacy is a lie and walks away. She goes to see Jaime and they bicker over her treatment of Tyrion. She still blames Tyrion for killing their mother while Jaime tries to disagree, saying Tyrion didn’t decide to kill their mother (he was a baby!). Jaime tells her that she can’t choose who is family and she tells him that she loves and chooses him. She also tells him that now Tywin knows about her and Jaime.  She kisses his golden hand and they make sex times.

Jaime Lannister

Tywin presents Jaime with a new sword that has been reforged from a sword of person “who no longer needs it” i.e. Ned. House Lannister has been wanting a dang Valyrian blade for so long, and now they have TWO. Dang bruh…how big was Ice? According to Tywin, absurdly big. Tywin tells Jaime that he will be removed from the Kingsguard (there’s precedence…relax) so he can go to Casterly Rock and be the Lord there while Tywin is the Hand. Jaime does not like this idea one bit and tells Tywin that there is no way in seven hells he would agree to that arrangement. Tywin is like “whatever…you ain’t a Lannister then…bye” but lets him keep the sword.

After the whole fitting of the golden hand, Jaime goes to discuss wedding security with Meryn and Joffrey; only Joffrey is being the dick he is and not paying attention because he thinks the war is over. Jaime reminds him that the war can’t be won with Stannis the Mannis still out there claiming the throne. Joffrey goes through the book of the great Kingsguards (Ser Dunacn the Tall!!) and mocks Jaime for not having had anything notable to put down for his page. Jaime tells him that there’s still time, and when Joffrey retorts with “is there really for a 40 year old knight with one hand…”, Jaime tells him that he now uses his left hand so its more of a contest.

Brienne and Jaime talk about Sansa and keeping the vow that he pledged to Catelyn. Brienne insists on taking Sansa out of Kings Landing, which he protests saying all her family is dead and she would be the most safe in Kings Landing.  She tells him to look her in the eyes and tell her that Sansa is safe in Kings Landing, which he cannot do.  Later, he gives Brienne his Valyrian blade sword, brand new armour and tells her that he hopes to reclaim his honor. Brienne names the sword “Oathkeeper.” He also presents Brienne with her own squire, Podrick Payne, and off they go on an adventure!

Jaime and Tyrion are drinking together in Tyrion’s chamber, when Jaime knocks a cup over with his golden hand. He is very frustrated and tells Tyrion that he cannot use a sword and, therefore, cannot train. Tyrion suggests Bronn as his companion and they meet by the sea to train. When Jaime questions as to whether people would hear them, Bronn tells him that he’s been having an affair with a married woman who is very loud and if no one has heard them yet, no one would hear them train. He got jokes.

At Joffrey’s wedding festivities, Jaime is standing guard as is his duty. He runs into Loras and he tells Loras that he will never marry Cersei, to which Loras replies “neither will you.” Get Jaime an ice pack for that burn.

Joffrey dies. Tyrion is accused. Cersei and Jaime have sex/rape next to their dead son’s body.

During a training session, Bronn tries to show Jaime the “virtues” of fighting dirty. In turn, Jaime asks Bronn his opinion on Tyrion’s role in Joffrey’s murder. Bronn tells Jaime that his brother is innocent but is taken aback when Jaime tells him that he hasn’t been to see Tyrion. When he finally goes to visit, he is convinced of Tyrion’s innocence.

Its pretty clear that Tyrion’s trial greatly affects Jaime. So much so that he goes to Tywin during recess with an offer: he will leave the Kingsguard and become the Lord of Casterly Rock IF Tywin spares Tyrion’s life. Tywin readily agree saying when its Tyrion’s turn to talk, he will plead for mercy and Tywin will send him to the Wall in order to join the Night’s Watch (that was his plan all along).  Only, Tyrion doesn’t do that and Jaime’s plan goes to hell.  He is upset at Tyrion for ruining the plan but he wishes his brother luck as the bells toll for the combat.  Tyrion tells him that he just couldn’t let their father have his way. Then Oberyn loses. Oops.

Cersei tells Jaime that Tywin now knows about them and they do it (yes I’m 14 years old).

Jaime is really upset about the result of Tyrion’s trial. He employs Varys’ help in order to smuggle Tyrion out to a ship and out to freedom in Essos. They hug each other and say their goodbyes before they part their ways. *tear*

 Tyrion Lannister

Tyrion is waiting outside Kings Landing with Bronn and Podrick, awaiting the arrival of Prince Doran Martell of Dorne.  Bronn doesn’t know the sigils but Podrick steps up to the plate. When the Martell bannermen come riding up, they tell Tyrion that Prince Doran didn’t make the trip because of his ailing health; but he sent his brother, Oberyn, who slipped in to the city at dawn. When Bronn inquires as to how they’re going to find Oberyn in all of Kings Landing, Tyrion says that as the Prince is rumored to have sexed up hundreds, so he’s likely at one of Littlefinger’s brothels. Tyrion guesses correctly and finds Oberyn at a brothel, stabbing a Lannister man in the hand for singing The Rains of Castamere. After being introduced to Oberyn’s paramour, Ellaria, Tyrion asks to speak with Oberyn in private. They walk out of the brothel and Tyrion asks him why he has come to the capital. Oberyn says he’s there to attend the Royal Wedding but when Tyrion presses him, Oberyn recounts how his sister was raped and murdered and her children murdered also. He tells Tyrion to let Tywin know he’s in the capital and that the Lannisters are not the only ones who pay their debts. Ooooooooooooo.

Later, Tyrion tries  to comfort Sansa and get her to eat. She’s sad about the murders of Catelyn and Robb. Tyrion tells her that he didn’t know Robb well but he liked him and he admired Catelyn, even though she took him as her prisoner. He tells Sansa to be strong because that’s what her mother would have wanted her to do. Sansa excuses herself to go to the Godswood so that she can be alone, telling him that she doesn’t pray anymore. When Tyrion goes back to his chambers, Shae is there trying to get her some Tyrion but he turns her down. She asks him if he loves Sansa and he says he doesn’t. She then asks him if he wants her out of Kings Landing and when he doesn’t answer, she gets angry and leaves.

At the wedding breakfast, Varys warns Tyrion that Cersei knows about Shae and Tywin will know soon. Varys also tells Tyrion that he will not be able to protect Tyrion and Shae because he has to look out for his own first. Tyrion presents Joffrey with a huge book about the reigns of Daeron the Young Dragon, Baelor the Blessed, Aegon the Unworthy, and Daeron the Good. Tyrion is fairly surprised when Joffrey is pretty nice about receiving the gift, until Joffrey chops up the book later with the Valyrian steel sword  Tywin gives him. Joffrey names the sword “Widow’s Wail”. What a dick.

The next scene reminds me of when Arya had to throw stones at Nymeria to get her to run away for Nymeria’s own safety – it is heartbreaking. Tyrion is back in his chambers and he is trying to end things with Shae so she will leave Kings Landing and be safe. When she protests, he yells at her calling her a whore, asking how many men she has been with, and telling her she is unfit to bear his children. This is so sad because Tyrion loves her so much and has to say these terrible things to make her hate him enough to want to leave.  Stones thrown.

Later, at the wedding feast, Joffrey suggests that Tyrion should join the reenactment of the “War of the Five Kings” but Tyrion declines and suggests that Joffrey should be the one to join the reenactment in order to show everyone his heroism during the Battle of Blackwater. Joffrey is pissed so he dumps wine on Tyrion’s head and makes him act as his cup bearer. Then, Joffrey is more of a dick – he kicks the cup under the table, makes Tyrion get more wine, and, when Tyrion and Sansa are preparing to leave the feast, asks for wine to chase down the pigeon pie. Tyrion relents and hands Joffrey the goblet. Joffrey takes a drink, chokes, falls, seizes, bleeds, and points at Tyrion in his final moments. DING DONG THE DICK IS DEAD. While Cersei screams for Tyrion’s arrest, Tyrion stands there, dumbfounded, and stares at the goblet.

Tyrion is imprisoned and Podrick visits him with smuggled food and writing material. Podrick tells him that Sansa has disappeared and also of someone offering Podrick knighthood in exchange of his testimony against Tyrion. Tyrion knows how loyal Podrick is and, sensing danger, he commands Podrick to leave Kings Landing. Podrick is the best.

Jaime FINALLY visits Tyrion and asks if he did it, to which Tyrion says he would never kill his brother’s son. Jaime believes him but he also thinks Sansa had a hand in the murder, which Tyrion does not believe. Jaime tells Tyrion he can’t set him free and believes that the trial will out the truth; Tyrion knows the trial is a farce.

Trial time. Tyrion is led into the hall with shackles on. King Tommen, who actually likes Tyrion, recuses himself from the trial and leaves a panel of three judges to decide Tyrion’s fate: Tywin, Mace, and Oberyn. Tywin starts by asking Tyrion if he killed Joffrey and if Sansa killed him; Tyrion says nope to both and says Joffrey choked on the pigeon pie. Cersei produces several different witnesses against Tyrion including Meryn Trant, Grand Maester Pycelle, and Varys. Tyrion seems especially sad about Varys’ testimony and asks him if he had forgotten Tyrion, to which Varys replies “sadly, my lord, I never forget a thing.” Tywin calls a one hour recess, during which Jaime, having made a deal with Tywin, goes to Tyrion and tells him that Tyrion must ask for mercy when the guilty verdict pronounced.

Once the trial resumes, Cersei calls her next witness, Shae, and all hell breaks loose. It is heartbreaking to watch Tyrion stand there watching and listening to Shae’s testimony about how he made her call him “her lion of Lannister”, their sexual encounters, and his lust for Sansa that led him to agree to murder Joffrey. After this testimony, Tyrion is DONE. He tells his father he wishes to confess. He turns to the audience and tells them that he saved the city and all its people during the Battle of Blackwater. He tells them that he wishes he had let Stannis kill them all. He tells his father that he is guilty of being a dwarf. When Tywin retorts by saying he’s not on trial for being a dwarf, Tyrion comes back with “I’ve been on trial for being a dwarf my entire life.”  He says:

“I did not kill Joffrey but I wish that I had! Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores! I wish I was monster you think I am. I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you. I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it. I will not give my life for Joffrey’s murder and I know I’ll get no justice here. So I will let the Gods decide my fate. I demand a trial by combat.”

Back in his cell, Jaime and Tyrion talk about how “funny” it would be if Jaime were to be his champion and both of Tywin’s sons dying if Jaime were to lose. However, Jaime declines to be his champion since he cannot fight well enough with his left hand. Tyrion asks for Bronn to be sent down, thinking Bronn fought for him once, he may fight for him again. When Bronn visits, he is decked out in nice clothes. Turns out, he is to marry Lollys Stokeworth, a noble man’s daughter. He refuses to fight the Mountain (one misstep and he’s dead…pay attention, Oberyn), and when Tyrion rebukes saying he thought they were friends, Bronn says they are friends and asks Tyrion when he has ever risked his life for Bronn. He also tells Tyrion that he likes him but he likes himself more. Truth. Even if Tyrion is sulking in the beginning, he understand in the end and they part in good terms. When Bronn is leaving, he asks Tyrion what he will do and Tyrion tells him that he will just have to kill the Mountain himself.

Later, Oberyn visits Tyrion and tells him about the first time he met Tyrion and how terrible Cersei was to Tyrion, calling him a monster and tormenting him, but to Oberyn, Tyrion was no monster; he was just a baby. He also tells Tyrion about his sister and her children, who were murdered by the Mountain, and that he wants justice for them. Tyrion replies with the iconic line from Season 4: if you’re looking for justice, you’ve come to the wrong place.  Oberyn disagrees and offers to be Tyrion’s champion.

While they wait for the trial by combat to start, Jaime and Tyrion have a really uncomfortable (for the viewers) conversation about their dead cousin, Orson, who had the habit of smashing beetles with rocks for no reason. Maybe the show was trying to delve into fate vs. freewill, but the way they portrayed it, with Tyrion imitating his cousin, was uncomfortable. Anyway, the bells toll for the trial by combat to start and Tyrion is taken to watch the duel. Ellaria is nervous about Oberyn fighting the Mountain but Oberyn is like “plz babe…I got this.” The fight starts and seems like Oberyn is winning. He’s doing all kinds of crazy cool moves and, before you know it, the Mountain is on the ground. Oberyn keeps repeating “You raped her, you killed her, you murdered her children”. He wants the Mountain to say her name and tell him who ordered their murder. But, like Bronn said earlier, Oberyn makes one mistake and the Mountain sweeps him off his feet, gets on top of him, and crushes his head, while saying his sister Elia’s name. (I hate this scene so much). Tyrion is doomed.

Jaime goes to visit Tyrion in his cell in the middle of the night and leads him through secret passageways. Tyrion is to meet with Varys and flee to Essos. Jaime and Tyrion hug and Jaime leaves Tyrion. However, instead of going to Varys, Tyrion makes a slight detour to his father’s chambers, where he finds a naked Shae lying in father’s bed, calling Tywin her “lion” which enrages Tyrion. She sees Tyrion and grabs a knife to stab him. They struggle before he strangles her with Tywin’s gold chain that she has around her neck. He says he is sorry to Shae, leaves the room with a crossbow, and finds Tywin in his privy. Tywin correctly guesses that Jaime released Tyrion and tries to tell him that he would’ve never let him be executed because he is a Lannister. Tyrion tells him that he loved Shae and confesses to having murdered her. Tywin says it doesn’t matter because she was a whore (wrong move, bro). Tyrion asks him why he sentenced Tyrion to die even though he knew Tyrion didn’t poison Joffrey. He shoots Tywin the first time when he calls Shae a whore again. Shocked that Tyrion shot him, Tywin tells him that he is not his son. Tyrion tells him that he is his son and he’s always been his son.  He shoots Tywin again and leaves.

Tyrion then goes to Varys as planned, who tells Tyrion to trust him, puts him in a crate and onto a ship. Varys thinks for a moment on the shore, before joining Tyrion on the ship.

Tywin Lannister – Dead

Joffrey Baratheon (Lannister) – Dead

Tommen Bratheon (Lannister) – King

Myrcella Barathon (Lannister) – in Dorne

Next recap: Daenerys Targaryen, Theon “Reek” Greyjoy, and Stannis “the Mannis” Baratheon