This recap obviously contains spoilers from season 5 episode 2, so don’t read it unless you are weird and want to be spoiled before watching it.
Episode 2 opens with Arya reaching Braavos. There’s a huge ass statue at the entrance to Braavos and the ship captain tells Arya that whenever Braavos is in trouble, the Titan (the statue) would come to life and take care of them. Arya is like “nah brah, that is just a statue”. As they sail along the channel into Braavos, Arya takes in the scenery around her – people selling all kinds of things on the banks. Finally, the captain rows her out to a huge building in the middle of the water with its doors painted black and white (the house of black and white…get it?). This is where he leaves her. She goes up to the door and knocks a couple of times before an old man opens it. She says Valar Morghulis…he says nothing. She shows him the coin and tells him that Jaqen H’ghar gave it to her…he says there’s no one by that name in that house. She implores to be let in saying she doesn’t have anywhere else to go but he says she has everywhere else to go and shuts the door. Hella rude. So she just sits on the steps and repeats the names on her death list through the night. In the morning, she’s like fuck this – gets up, tosses the coin in the water, and peaces out.
Later, she’s in the streets of Braavos, just straight stabbing pigeons. Some bullies ask her about the pigeon but she tells them to turn around and go. They see Needle and threaten to take it saying its worth 100 pigeons. In all her badassery, she tells them that nothing is worth anything to dead men. Shit is about to go down, when the bullies see the old man behind Arya and run away. Arya follows the old man back to the House of Black and White. She asks him who he is and why the bullies ran away from him. He gives the coin she tossed in the water saying she lost it. Then he takes his face off and its Jaqen Fucking H’ghar. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! She reminds him that he said there’s no Jaqen in da house; he says there isn’t because a man is not Jaqen. She’s like “then who the F are you” and he says “no one and that’s who a girl must become”. Then they both go in the house. Is Arya about to be more bad ass? Is that even possible?
Brienne and Pod walk into an inn (start of a good joke?). They are eating some food, and drinking some ale; Pod “The Sex God” Payne thinks the serving girl is cuttttte. Hormones, amiright? Guess who else is at the inn? Petyr and Sansa. Sansa asks him about the scroll Petyr received before they left and he says his marriage proposal has been accepted. When Sansa leans in to get some ale, Pod recognizes her. Even though there are “a bunch of knights”, Brienne tells Pod to find some more horses and ready them while she goes to talk to Petyr and Sansa. Petyr recognizes her from when he visited Renly’s camp. Brienne is like “I ain’t here to talk to you”, turns to Sansa and tells her about how she was Cat’s sworn sword and she vowed to protect Sansa and blah blah honour stuff. Petyr is like “that’s funny…you vowed to protect Renly and he died. You vowed to protect Cat and she died. Sansa, you really wanna go with this chick?” Sansa also remembers Brienne from Joffrey’s wedding, when she bowed to him. Brienne tries to explain her situation to Sansa, saying sometimes we don’t have a choice. Sansa says “and sometimes we do” and tells her to leave. Petyr tells Brienne to stay but she jets out of there. Pod, being the excellent horse rider he is, goes down a different path than Brienne and then gets thrown off of his horse. Brienne throws off her pursuers, sees Petyr and Sansa riding off with their guards, and finds Pod in the nick of time. She’s ready to pursue Sansa but Pod says since neither of the Stark girls want her protection, maybe she could consider herself freed from her vow. But Brienne doesn’t think Sansa is safe with Petyr and she’s still going to pursue them.
Jaime is summoned by Cersei – their relationship is still pretty icy. There’s a huge box of sorts on Cersei’s desk and when Jaime opens it, it reveals a snake with a necklace in its mouth – Myrcella’s necklace. Its a threat from Dorne because they blame the Lannisters for the deaths of Oberyn and Elia. Cersei gives her usual “I’ll burn the city to the ground…” line – girlfriend needs to come up with a different threatening line because this one is played out. When Jaime tells her to be quieter because you can’t just go around yelling about how the Baratheon kids are actually Lannister incest babies, she gets even more pissed. She tells him he doesn’t have to call Myrcella his daughter and he’s never been a father to her anyway. Cheap shot, Cersei. He says he’s just trying to be cautious and she fires back saying caution has brought them nothing. Jaime says FINE I’ll fucking go get her…I’ll go to Dorne. Cersei smirks and says “you’re going to Dorne, a one handed man, alone?” and Jaime says “I never said I was going alone.” TAKE THAT CERSEI.
Jaime goes to see Bronn, who is taking a stroll along the beach with his betrothed, Lollys. She’s planning their wedding and he’s planning the demise of her sister. But Jaime has other plans for them both. He has arranged for Lollys to marry Ser Willis Bracken. He promises a much better girl and a much better castle if Bronn accompanies Jaime to Dorne. DEAL.
In Dorne, Ellaria is getting pissed watching Myrcella and Trystane flirt. She goes to Doran and accuses him of doing nothing to avenge Oberyn’s death. Doran doesn’t think of Oberyn’s death as murder because he died during a trial a combat. When she tells him that the whole of Dorne wants Oberyn’s death to be avenged, he’s like good thing the whole country doesn’t decide. She says the Sand Snakes are with her and the people lurve them. Then she gets super psycho and tells him to let her torture and mutilate Myrcella in order to get back at Cersei. Doran is like dafuq? He tells her that they don’t mutilate little girls for vengeance, at least not while he rules, and she says “and how long will that be?”. When she leaves, Doran’s guard looks at him like “should I off this chick?” but Doran shakes his head.
Daario and Grey Worm are out hunting some Sons of the Harpy. They go in a house and there’s no one there so Grey Worm is ready to leave. Daario asks him if he’s afraid and Grey Worm says “the unsullied fear no one”, to which Daario says “someone who has forgotten to fear, has forgotten to hide”; stabs the wall and out falls a Son of the Harpy. Bad. Ass.
Dany has a council together and they’re giving her advise about what to do with the Son of the Harpy. The former slave wants her to execute him and she kind of agrees. But Barristan tells her to give the man a fair trial to show the people that she’s better than the ones who want to remove her. The former slave tells her that mercy and fair trial means nothing to the Masters because all they know is blood. When she tells everyone to leave, Barristan gives her some extra counseling – he tells her about her father, the Mad King. He tells her that he was in fact mad and cruel; he murdered sons in front of their fathers, burnt men alive with wildfire and laughed as they died. She’s clearly rattled by this and tells Barristan that she’s not her father. He says true but tells her that her father also gave his enemies the justice he thought they deserved and each time it made him feel powerful and right, until the very end. Dany is like “okay okay I’ll give the Son of the Harpy a fair trial…please stop telling me scary stories about my dad.”
However, the former slave has other plans. He goes to the Son of the Harpy’s cell and straight murders him and leaves him in the street, with “Kill the Masters” scrawled beside his bleeding body. Dany is pissed. The dude says he did it for her because he knew she wanted him dead but her hands were tied. He also gives a compelling speech, saying if the Masters were allowed to rise up and enslave them again, it would be like his father never even lived. Dany tells him the law is the law and that means he will be executed. So she opts for a public execution, because what could go wrong? Oh Dany, you sweet summer child. The crowd is divided between former slaves and former slave owners. She makes her speech about justice and law and blah blah. The former slaves are imploring her for mercy as the former slave owners look on. She motions for Daario to execute the dude and he seems like he doesn’t agree with her but carries it out nonetheless. Dany seems to almost change her mind but carries out the execution either way. As soon as the dude is executed, the former slaves start to hiss at her and a person throws a rock at the former slave owners. Then its complete pandemonium; a full out fight breaks out between the two groups and Dany is rushed out by her security detail. Later, Dany wants to be alone because she done fucked up. She hears a noise and goes to check it out. Its huge ass Drogon. Eating babies and getting big. She gets to almost touch him and he flies away. Bye Mom.
Tyrion and Varys are in a bigger box, on their way to Volantis in order to eventually get to Meereen. Tyrion has a bug in his wine and Varys is like “oh you better take that out…don’t want to accidentally eat something solid.” Shade. Varys tells him that Cersei has promised a lordship to anyone who brings her Tyrion’s head and Tyrion says she should’ve offered her c*nt instead – the best part of her for the best part of him. Nice. Tyrion is being a sad puppy, remembering how Shae wanted to leave Kings Landing but he wouldn’t go because he liked power even as a servant. Varys says “people follow leaders, and they will never follow us. They find us repulsive and we find them repulsive, which is why we surround ourselves with large comfortable boxes to keep them away. And yet, no matter what we do, people like me and you are never really satisfied being inside the box…not for long.” Tyrion agrees and wants to go for a walk, saying Cersei can’t be killing all the dwarves in the land. Does he even know his sister?
Cersei is checking out the head of a dwarf that is definitely NOT Tyrion but she shows mercy to the dudes who brought in the wrong head because you know, she doesn’t want to dissuade the other hunters. Mistakes happen. Its not like its MURDER or anything. Smh. Creepy Qyburn wants to keep the head for his “work”.
Both of them head to the King’s Council meeting. Maester Pycelle does not like that Qyburn is there but Cersei DGAF. When her uncle inquires as to whether she’s the new Hand, she says it would be inappropriate for a woman to be the Hand. Such sass. Mace volunteers to be the new Hand but Cersei shuts that shit down real fast saying he’s going to be the Master of Coin along with Master of Ships. He seems mighty pleased. Pycelle starts to volunteer too but Cersei just moves along and says that Qyburn is the new Master of Whispers. She tells her uncle Kevan that he is the new Master of War but he wants to hear it from the King himself. He tells her that he doesn’t recognize her authority and she’s the Queen Mother and nothing more. He leaves saying that if the King has need for him, he can send for him at Casterly Rock. Bye Felicia. Fuck yeah Kevan Lannister.
At the Wall, Shireen is teaching Gilly how to read. Apparently Sam wasn’t a very good teacher. They talk a little about greyscale and how two of Gilly’s sister had it. She asks Shireen how she was cured from it but she doesn’t remember because she was a baby. Then, Selyse comes in and breaks up the fun. She tells Shireen to stay away from Gilly because she’s afraid Gilly will harm Shireen in order to get back at Stannis for burning Mance. Selyse is such a Debbie Downer.
Stannis is lecturing Jon about going against his word and how his word is the law. He tells Jon that if he shows too much kindness, people will not fear him and if people don’t fear him, they won’t follow him. Jon is like get out of here with that bullshit and tells Stannis that the freefolks will not follow him regardless because 1. he burned their King and 2. they only follow their own. Stannis shows Jon a note from Liana Mormont, the lady of Bear Island and the niece of Lord Commander Mormont. Stannis had sent word telling Liana to pledge her house to him but she sent a note back saying “Bear Isand knows no King but the King in the North whose name is Stark”. This puts a smile on Jon’s face and he tells Stannis that Northerners can be a bit like the freefolk – loyal to their own. Davos tells Jon how much his life is going to suck when Alliser becomes the new Lord Commander and Jon is like I have no idea what you want from me. Stannis tells him that Jon could give him the North and Jon reminds him that he can’t do that because he’s a bastard – a Snow. Then Stannis says that if Jon kneels before him, lays his sword and pledges him his loyalty, he will rise as Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAL.
Jon tells Sam about this before the election for a new Lord Commander and Sam is so happy for Jon. But Jon says he’s going to turn it down because, you know, honour and vows and what not. The Starks and their dang honour.
Election shit starts. Janos Slynt talks up Alliser Thorne. Someone else talks about Denys Mallister, the Captain of the Shadow Tower. The election is about to start when Sam starts to speak about Jon and Jon is like nooooo. Janos tries to give Sam grief but Sam shuts that right down by reminding everyone about Janos hiding in the larder during the figh against the Wildings. Sit down Janos. Sam talks about how Jon saved the Wall after Alliser was injured and then went to talk to Mance, even though he knew it could have meant certain death. He also reminds them that Lord Commander Mormont himself chose Jon to be his steward, so clearly he saw something in Jon. He ends his recommendation with “he may be young but he’s the commander we turned to when the night was the darkest.” APPLAUSE. Alliser gets up and throws shade on Jon by asking the men whether they want to pick the one who has fought the wildings all his life or the one who makes love to them.
The votes are in. Did they really have to smash that vase? They couldn’t have just poured out the votes? Anyway, there’s a tie between Alliser and Jon. Maester Aemon is the tiebreaker and he votes for Jon. Jon is the new Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. YAY!
Next Episode: High Sparrow