This recap obviously contains spoilers from season 5 episode 4, so don’t read it unless you are weird and want to be spoiled before watching it.
Guys…Barristan “Barry” Selmy aka Badass Old Man is dead. Who is going to tell Dany more stories about her crazy dad and singing brother???? But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Jorah kidnapped Tyrion at the end of the last episode, and this episode opens with Jorah knocking out a guy in order to steal his boat. Don’t worry though…he leaves a couple of coins on the guy he knocked out. Jorah is just trying to be on the up and up. He throws Tyrion into the boat and they set off.
They’re just cruising along the water, with Tyrion tied and gagged. He tries his best to speak through the gag, really just continuously making noises to annoy Jorah. It works and Jorah finally takes his gag off. Tyrion immediately asks for wine, saying he can’t sleep without it. Jorah does not care. Tyrion tells Jorah that they’re going the wrong way, because Cersei is in the west and they’re headed east. Jorah tells him that he’s taking Tyrion to Dany and Tyrion just laughs saying it was a waste of a kidnapping because he himself was headed to her anyway. Then he uses his brains to guess who Jorah is, why he is down on his luck, and what he is hoping to gain by taking Tyrion to Dany. When Jorah gets up, Tyrion thinks he’s finally getting the ropes around his wrist cut off but Jorah slaps him across the face instead. Sometimes its better to be quiet, Tyrion.
Jaime and Bronn are on a merchant ship just sailing along. They’re passing an island and Jaime asks about it. The ship captain informs him that the island is Tarth and Jaime says “OH HAI BRIENNE, I MISS YOU.” Ok, not really but we all know that is what he was thinking in his head because he secretly lurves Brienne the Beauty. Jaime goes to hang with his Bro-nn (get it?) and tell Bronn about his plan of sneaking into Dorne in the cover of night. Bronn, in turn, tells him that the Dornish are crazy and all they do it fight and fuck. Jaime says he gotsa rescue his niece and Bronn says “your niece??” like “come on brah, we all know she’s your daughter…stop playin.” Bronn questions Jaime about why exactly he’s there instead of sending a 100 Bronns and Jaime just says it has to be him. Bronn figures out that he’s doing this out of guilt for letting Tyrion escape. When Bronn tells Jaime to give Tyrion his regards if he ever sees him, Jaime says if he ever sees Tyrion again, he will kill Tyrion. Really? You’d kill your brother for murdering your father who was always terrible to all of you? OK JAIME.
They row out to the Dornish shores…well Bronn rows. They take a quick shut eye and when Jaime wakes up, he sees Bronn standing over him with his knife out. He’s like “well shit” but no worries, Bronn is just killing a snake that was VERY close to Jaime. They roast a couple of snakes and munch on them while chatting about how they would like to die. Bronn says he wants to die watching his kids bicker over his riches and when Jaime says that is a boring death, Bronn says he has had an exciting life so he wants his death to be boring. Jaime says he wants to die in the arms of the woman he loves and Bronn asks him if the woman he loves wants the same thing. Touché, Bronn. He also tells Jaime that the Dornish hate the Lannisters a whole whole lot. While they’re walking and talking, they see some Dornish on horseback. They make an unsuccessful attempt at hiding and when the men ask who they are and such, Bronn makes up a story about their ship capsizing and them making it to shore. I loved it when Jaime says they were afraid the sharks would get them and the Dornish are like “ummm there are no sharks in Dorne,” and Bronn says “maybe dolphins.” LOL. They try to get the Dornish dudes to leave them alone but that doesn’t work and they have to fight. Jaime says he can take a slow one so Bronn causes one to fall off of his horse so Jaime can take him on. The only problem is that this guy is HUGE. Jaime is not faring well until he uses his golden hand to stop the dude’s sword and then stabs him. Bronn tell him “good job” and that he always wanted a Dornish horse, so I guess they’re going to use those horses to get around.
And who do we see next?? THE SAND SNAKES. EEEEEK. Ellaria comes riding up with her face all covered and the Sand Snakes are waiting for word about whether or not they’re going to war. Ellaria tells them that Doran is not going to war so they have to pick between his peace and her war. Oh, and they have the captain of the ship that Jaime and Bronn came over on buried up to his neck in sand. He totally snitched on them! And there are scorpions all over his dang face. *shudder* Ellaria says, “Well, Jaime is here to get Myrcella away so we have to act fast.”
Tyene and Nymeria say they are all in. Obara recounts a story about the first time she met Oberyn and how he told her to choose between her mother’s tears and a spear. She says she made her choice a long time ago and throws the spear right into the ship captain’s head. The Sand Snakes are going to war, y’all!
In Kings Landing, Mace Tyrell is telling the small council that the Iron Bank has called in 1/10th of the crown’s debt but realistically they can only afford to pay less than half of that. He suggests Highgarden lending the crown money to pay the Iron Bank back but Cersei shoots it down real fast. Instead she tells him that he’s going to negotiate with the Iron Bank and Meryn Trant will accompany him. Its all very fishy. Don’t trust Trant, Mace. When Maester Pycelle comments on how the small council is getting smaller each day, Cersei says “not small enough” and walks out. ZING.
Cersei meets with the High Sparrow and they have a conversation about arming his followers. She wants to bring the faith militants back and it is bad news bears because these dudes be crazy. They’re etching the sign of the Seven on their foreheads and just busting into places while beating people up for “sinning”. They take Loras away for being a sinner. I have a small complaint here – Loras is supposed to be one of the best fighters in the Seven Kingdoms and the sparrows just take him away without a fight? Really?? Smh.
Margaery hears about Loras being taken away and goes to Tommen to demand his release. Poor Tommen does not get it and she has to tell him that Cersei made all this happen because she thinks Margaery is taking Tommen away from her. Sweet Tommen goes to Cersei and demands Loras be let go. Cersei says she didn’t imprison Loras (even though she is the one who armed the faith militants) and to go ask the High Sparrow. Tommen goes to the Sept and is trying to walk up it when the faith militants block his way because the High Sparrow is praying and he will not be disturbed. One of the Kingsguard says if Tommen gives the command, they would butcher the people blocking his way but Tommen opts to not use violence. He is so much better than Joff. The whole time he’s standing there, there are people yelling at him, calling him an abomination and a bastard. He goes back to the Red Keep and tells Margaery that he couldn’t get Loras out without violence and that he will go talk to the High Sparrow. She’s mean to him, asking him when he’s going to do that and finally just walking out of the room, saying she needs to be with her family. I know she’s mad/sad about Loras but poor sweet Tommen is trying hard and is stuck between her and Cersei – she could have cut him some slack.
At the Wall, Stannis is watching the Night’s Watch train, while Selyse is being her regular dickish self. She questions him about why he likes Jon, because, you know, he’s a bastard and bastards don’t deserve to be liked. Then she goes on to talk about how she should’ve given him a son and instead, all she gave him was a daughter who is scarred. Melisandre walks up and says scars mean nothing to the Lord of Light. Selyse dips out and Melisandre tells Stannis that last time he attacked a place and left her behind, he lost, so this time he best take her with him when he marches on Winterfell. He says he won’t leave her because he needs her, to which she says he only needs faith and to serve her lord – all the while she’s staring intently at Jon.
Jon is signing letters to different lords, asking them to send men to the Night’s Watch. Sam is calling each lord out except one and when Jon reads the name, he’s like “FUCCCCCK Roose Botlon…I am not asking him for help.” Sam reasons with Jon saying Roose is the Warden of the North now and they need to ask him for help because they can’t hold the wall with 50 men. Jon is like ok whatever and signs it. As Sam is leaving, Melisandre comes in to talk to Jon. She tries to get him to change his mind about going to Winterfell with them because there is only one war – life against death. And she shows him life…which is her naked. He touches her boob and she says “can you feel my heartbeat?” GIRL, you best leave my man, Jon, alone before I cut you! And, if you wanted him to “feel” your heartbeat, get a DANG stethoscope. But no worries – the Lord Commander has an iron will. He tells her that he loves another. When she tries to say that the dead don’t need our love and blah blah, he says “I know, but I still love her.” *TEAR* When she goes to leave, she says “you know nothing, Jon Snow.” You keep Ygritte’s words out of your mouth, you fiery lady!
There’s a sweet scene with Shireen and Stannis, where we see a human moment from him. Shireen is bored so she goes to talk to her dad. Apparently, Dick Selyse told Shireen she didn’t want to bring her on the trip, so she asks Stannis if he also ashamed of her. Stannis tells her about a merchant bringing her a doll when she was a baby and how she used to hold it in her crib. Turns out, the doll was diseased and by the time they figured it out, she had contracted greyscale. He tells her that people told him to send her away to live in the ruins of Valyria but he refused. Instead, he called medical people from all over to try and cure her and it finally worked. Then he tells her that she did not belong with the stonemen because she’s a princess and his daughter. She hugs him and, after a moment of hesitation, he hugs her back. So, Stannis does have feelings. Who would have thunk?
Sansa is in the crypts of Winterfell, lighting candles. Petyr is like “oh I totally knew you’d be down here because you’re all goth now and obviously would hang in the crypts.” They talk about Lyanna and Rhaegar and the tournament where the smiles died. Petyr tells her about how Rhaegar rode past his wife to give Lyanna the crown of roses, blue as frost, to which she says that Rhaegar raped Lyanna and murdered her. Petyr goes on to ask “how many men had to die because Rhaegar chose Lyanna?”
Sansa notices that Petyr is in his riding clothes and he confirms; he’s leaving for Kings Landing because Cersei sent for him and he has to go so that she won’t get suspicious about what they’re doing. He knows Stannis is coming to Winterfell (because he needs to take Winterfell and rally the North to take Kings Landing) and predicts that he will beat the Boltons. He thinks Stannis will name Sansa Wardeness of the North. Sansa says “umm what if the Boltons win?” He tells her, if the Boltons win, she has to take Ramsay for her own and figure out how to deal with Roose because “even the most dangerous man can be out maneuvered”. Then, the North will be hers. And he kisses her on the dang lips again. STAHP.
Dany is looking down at Meereen saying that they look happy from up there. Okay girl. Whatever you have to tell yourself. Barristan tells her the story about how Rhaegar used to go into the streets of Kings Landing and sing to the people. He also tells her that Rhaegar hated killing but loved to sing, contrary to what Viserys told her. Their conversation is cut short because Hizdar is there to speak with her, so she tells Barry to sing a song for her. Hizdar is pleading to her again about opening the fighting pits because it is the way the people of Meereen seek honor and pride. She’s stands steadfast on not letting them open it up even though he tries to persuade her by talking about how its tradition and she should let the people keep their traditions. She says NOPE.
Meanwhile, the Sons of the Harpy are going ham and killing the Second Sons while they’re hanging out with some ladies. The Unsullied, who are patrolling the streets, hear the commotion and go check it out. There’s a crying lady who points and says that the Sons of the Harpy did it, but the minute the Unsullied take off, she wipes away her tears. ITS A TRAP. So the Unsullied are basically in this huge room, surrounded by the Sons of the Harpy. They are straight up getting killed. Grey Worm is fighting like a badass but even he gets injured. Barristan is walking the streets and gets suspicious when he sees people fleeing and hiding. He come upon the fight and immediately starts cutting people down, like a boss. Barry gets stabbed up too, and both he and Grey Worm collapse in the room full of dead Sons of the Harpy and the Unsullied. RIP Barry the Bold.
Next week: Kill the Boy