This recap obviously contains spoilers from season 5 episode 7, so don’t read it unless you are weird and want to be spoiled before watching it.
I apologize for the late recap. I was on vacation and couldn’t risk the chance of getting super angry at this episode and show.
Jon and Tormund are leaving for their fantastic adventure together. If you remember from a couple of episodes ago, Tormund agrees to go beyond the wall in order to convince his people to move south but only on the condition that Jon comes along. Since Alliser Throne is First Ranger, he is to in charge of Castle Black while the Lord Commander is away. Alliser still doesn’t agree with Jon and tells him that his mission is mad foolish and super insulting to his bros. Jon says thanks for that great advice and moves on to say his goodbyes to Sam. Sam gives him a bag of dragonglass and hopes Jon won’t have to use them. With that Jon takes off. Sam is a sad puppy. Ollie looks like he is still mad at Jon for leaving. Get over it, Ollie.
Aemon is sicker and on bed rest. As he plays with little Sam, he is reminded of his little brother, Egg. Sam explains to Gilly that Aegon went on to become King of Westeros. During his last lucid moments, he warns Gilly and tells her to take little Sam south before its too late.
He begins deteriorating, thinking he is still in his childhood and trying to find Egg. When he dies, Sam speaks about him, saying he was the Maester through 12 Lord Commanders and a Targaryen, “but now his fire has gone out”. Sam and Alliser light the pyre on fire, and Alliser takes this moment to lean over and remind Sam that he’s losing all his friends. What a dick. Smh.
Later, Gilly is cleaning stuff up when two brothers of the Night’s Watch walk in and start harassing her. Grade A douchebags and more sexual assault. Yay. They try to grab at her but she fights back. Good for you, Gilly flower. But the dudes are stronger so they overpower her. Just then, Sam walks in and draws his sword. He’s nervous and his hands are shaking but he’s going to defend Gilly. His brothers in black beat the shit out of him and it looks so dang painful. They also call him a liar for saying he killed an White Walker. After beating him for a while, they stop and go back to assaulting Gilly but a little beat down ain’t gonna keep Sam down. He gets up and says he did kill the White Walker and a Thenn and he’s going to kill them. You go, Glen Coco. I was sure that he was going to get more beat downs but then guess who shows up and saves the day (night)? ITS GHOST! Ghost, I been missing you. Where have you been my dawg and why aren’t you with your bro, Jon? Ghost scares the baddies away and Gilly goes to see if Sam is okay. He’s just a little woozy guys, nbd. Then, he passes the fuck out.
When he comes to, Gilly is there taking care of him. She tells him to just get out if anything like that happens again but Sam refuses. He’s like “I was totally tiring them out and I was going to beat them. I got this girl.” When Gilly is going to leave to get more water, he asks her to stay. Then they kiss. Then they straight do it…in a lets both stay completely clothed way, but I guess its cold up there, so understandable? “Oh…oh my!”
In Winterfell, Theon is taking some food up to Sansa, who is locked in her room. She has bruises on her arm and looks distressed in general. As Theon goes to leave the room, Sansa asks him for help. Theon rebukes her saying she’s Ramsay’s wife now and she should do what he tells her to because things can always get worse. She references all the sexual assault she’s having to endure and its just great. She reminds him that he betrayed her father and she needs his help in getting a signal out because she still has friends in the North. When he cries out saying his name is Reek, she tells him that he’s Theon Greyjoy, the last surviving son of Balon Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron Islands. She asks him to promise her and he walks out of the room with the candle in hand. He walks across the courtyard of Winterfell and climbs the stairs of a tower. I thought maybe he was going to light the candle but of course he’s not. He goes and tells Ramsay about Sansa’s friends in the North. Brienne is still keeping watch outside of Winterfell.
Ramsay has Sansa brought to him while he’s overseeing the rebuilding of Winterfell. He starts talking about how he thought she was going to be fat and ugly but was pleasantly surprised when he first saw her. Then he goes on talk about how Stannis and his army are riding to Winterfell but camped out because of the terrible weather and are suffering in the cold. When he says he will be Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North, she questions about the unborn child that Fat Walda is carrying. She’s like “bro, your baby brother is a true born and he will have a better claim.” When he tries to rebut saying he’s been naturalized, she comes back with “by Tommen, another bastard, lul.” He says bastards can rise high in the world and mentions Jon Snow, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. She apparently didn’t know about this. Then Ramsay takes her to see her northern friend, whom he has flayed. Poor Sansa is so sad. She has no friends left. Or she thinks.
Stannis’s army really is camped and suffering in the cold. Davos tells Stannis that horses and people are dying and that the Stormcrows peaced out during the night. He thinks they should retreat back to Castle Black. Stannis is not having it. He retreated from Kings Landing and, if he retreats again, he will be the “King who ran”. Winter is coming and if they retreat, they will be staying in Castle Black till the winter is over and who even knows how long the winter will last. He says they will march to victory or they will march to defeat but they will march forward. After Davos leaves, he turns his anger and frustration to Melisandre and her visions. He doesn’t know if he can trust her visions so she tells him that sacrifices need to be made to get the end they want. She means to burn Shireen!! What the fack. Stannis says “girl you crazy” and tells her to leave.
Tyrion and Jorah are being auctioned off. Jorah is up first. The slaver makes up a bunch of lies about Jorah in order to get a better price and I guess it works because Jorah is sold for 20 gold. The dude that bought Jorah starts to walk away and Tyrion tells him that he needs to buy Tyrion also because Jorah and him are a team. When the people laugh, Tyrion makes a desperate go and puts on a show by beating the man holding his chains. It amuses the dude enough and he buys Tyrion also. While they’re being led away, Tyrion tries to make a case for freeing them because Meereen is now a free city. The dude just hits him and throws a coin to him and Jorah saying “here’s your wages ugly man, it will last the rest of your life.”
Daario is the most jealous because his lady love is going to marry another man. He says everyone, including slaves, have a choice. He wants her to marry him and she says she can’t, even if she is a queen. He says she’s the only person in Meereen who is not free. He also advises her to slaughter all the Great Masters, Wise Masters and Worthy Masters at the Great Games. When she protests saying she’s a queen not a butcher, he says all rulers are either butchers or meat.
Jorah and the rest of the fighters are going to fight in what is like regional and conference level fights – the ones that, if they win, will eventually take them to the championship, the Great Games. Dany arrives at the fight to make the rounds of the lower pits but Jorah doesn’t know she’s there until he hears the fighters say “we fight and die for your glory, oh glorious Queen.” Then he’s like “gaaaaaaah” and runs to sneak a look at her. There he stands, looking at her like the saddest puppy. She is about to leave because the violence is too much and when Jorah sees this, he grabs a sword, a helmet, and takes off for the fighting pit. He’s just kicking all the asses. Tyrion is trying hard to get out of his chains but can’t. A HUGE dude with a HUGE sword walks up to him and he’s like “fuck, I’m done for” but the dude cuts him free! Master has broken Tyrion’s chains…Tyrion is freeeeee!
While Tyrion is running out, Jorah is unmasking himself. The minute Dany sees him, she’s mad as hell and tell them to get him out of her sight. He pleads for a moment and when that’s not working, he shouts that he brought her a gift. At that moment, Tyrion chimes in and says he’s the gift, and introduces himself.
Olenna goes to visit the High Sparrow but doesn’t realize the person she is talking to is the High Sparrow. Such a goof. I love this sparring between them. She accuses him of being the man of the people but doing the dirty work of Cersei. Even when she offers him bribes, he doesn’t budge because he serves the gods and the gods demand justice. He offers her the sacred text if she doesn’t have it and she’s like “I’ve read that damned seven pointed star.” When he tells her that her grandchildren will be punished in the same manner as anyone who break the sacred law, she says he lives amongst rapists, thieves, and murderers but he’s punishing Loras for “shagging some perfumed ponce and Margaery for defending her brother.” She then threatens to stop sending food to Kings Landing and to make sure to tell the hungry who is to blame. The High Sparrow seems like be amused by this and asks her how much of the grain she sows or picks herself. When she doesn’t answer, he tells her that she’s been blinded by money and power because she is the few and he and his people are the many and when the many stop fearing the few… Mic drop, walks away. When Olenna walks out of the Sept, she is handed a note from Little Finger.
Petyr is examining what is left of his brothel when Olenna walks in. He tries to apologize for the location but she says “over it.” He starts to go on about the success of his establishments and she’s just like “bro, can we not?” Then she just puts it out there – their fates are intertwined. Together, they murdered a king and she will take him down if her house falls. He tells her that Cersei summoned him back to King’s Landing because she wanted information and he couldn’t not reply nor lie. But he offer her a gift – the same kind of gift he gave Cersei – a handsome young man. Who in the world could it be?!
Tommen is so sad because his Queen is in prison and there’s nothing he can do. Cersei tries to calm him by saying that there times in life when things happen that are beyond their control. Tommen says he will start a war and kill everyone in the Sept if he has to but Cersei reminds him that the first casualty of his war will be Margaery. He loves Margaery and wants to talk to the High Sparrow but Cersei volunteers. Tommen seems to be taken aback that Cersei would help Margaery but she reassures him that the only thing that matters is him and his sister and that she would do anything to keep them safe.
Cersei goes to visit Margaery, who is in the dankest and darkest cell. She brings her venison and tries to tell her that they’re trying really hard but Margaery sees right through her lies. She says everyone knows lies come easy to Cersei but innonce, decency, and concern do not and maybe that’s why Tommen was so eager to get away from her. After a couple of angry exchanges, Maragery yells “get out, you hateful bitch”. Cersei is just getting so much happiness out of seeing Margaery this distressed and suffering. Her happiness is short lived.
After leaving Margaery’s cell, Cersei goes to speak with the High Sparrow about what happens to Margaery and Loras. The High Sparrow informs her what will happen: they will stand trial in which seven septons will stand as judge, including the High Sparrow. If one or both confess before the trial, they will get the Mother’s Mercy, which depends on the situation – the acts themselves and the degree of the contrition. She is just so smug. The High Sparrow starts giving her a history lesson about the sept and she really doesn’t want to hear it but she listens anyway. He tells her about the splendor and uselessness of the huge Sept that Baelor built and how if you strip away the gold and ornaments, knock down the statues, what is left is simple, solid, and true. He remarks on the fact that the Tyrells finery will be stripped away and that’s how it will be for all. Then he asks her what they would find if they were to strip her down. He goes on to say that a young man came to them who was broken in body and spirit; he stripped away until he was light. Lancel “Buffbody” steps in the room and Cersei is like “shitttttt”. Lancel done stripped down and told on her about everything.
Cersei tries to nope out of there but a pretty big septa (pretty sure that was a dude) is blocking her way. She grabs Cersei (she’s strong!) and drags her away while Cersei is screaming “I’m the Queen”, just like Margaery did. Karma is a bitch. They throw her in a cell and she threatens the septa with “look at my face…it’s the last thing you’ll see before you die,” to which they shrug their shoulders and lock the door. Religion enslaves hearts and minds.
Jaime has pretty nice quarters in Dorne for a prisoner. Areo Hotah (Prince Doran’s bodyguard) brings Myrcella to Jaime and the father-daugther…err…uncle-niece have a lovely little chat what starts with Myrcella commenting about how Jaime had more hands when she last saw him. Sweet girl. She wants to know why all this is happening and gets super mad because she didn’t want to leave Kings Landing but she did it as her duty and now she’s being forced to go back when she doesn’t want to. She loves Trystane, wants to marry him and live out her life in Dorne. She says “GOD dad…I hate you…you don’t even know me!” and storms out.
Bronn is singing in his sweet sweet voice again and when he’s done, Tyene claps. Nymeria throws shade at him saying its a good thing he’s a good singer instead of a fighter because otherwise they might have been in trouble. When Bronn says its against his code to hurt a woman, Obarra says its amazing how many men they beat have that code. ZING! The Sand Snakes with the one-two punch. Point: Sand Snakes. Tyene asks how his arm is doing and he says A-Okay. Bronn is in no hurry to leave Dorne because Dornish women are the most beautiful…he said Dornish women, not Tyene particularly. She’s like “umm…wut? I’m not the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen?” In the background, Obarra and Nymeria are like “oh great…here we go again.” Tyene asks Bronn to name one more beautiful girl than her and Bronn starts to but Tyene starts stripping and like a bumbling dude would, his thoughts stop in their tracks. Bronn’s vision is getting a little blurry, he’s sweating, his breathing is labored, and his nose starts bleeding. Tyene says her blade was coated with a poison from Asshai called Long Farewell – takes a while to work but when a single drop makes contact with skin, it means death. She has the only antidote around her neck. She asks him again who the most beautiful woman in the world and he is barely able to whisper “you”. She throws the antidote to him and he swallows it in a hurry.
Next week: Hardhome