This recap obviously contains spoilers from season 5 episode 10, so don’t read it unless you are weird and want to be spoiled before watching it.
The snow is melting you guyzzzz. The Lord of Light loved the sacrifice of Shireen and made good on his promise. Stannis commands his soldiers to get in marching formation because they going to Winterfell, y’all! Melisandre says “see I totally said the Lord of Light would deliver and he has. Yay. High fives?” but Stannis is mad at her so he leaves her hanging. But really though, you consented to having your daughter burned at the stake so you could achieve your “rightful” place on the throne and you’re gonna be mad at Melisandre for carrying out that crazy plan? Okay. Cool story bro. One of his men tells him some bad news: half of his men deserted before dawn including all the sell swords. Guess the Lord of Light can melt snow but can’t boost morale. On top of his men deserting, he also finds out the Selyse hanged herself. Shit is bad, yo. AND someone tells him that Melisandre was seen riding away. The price he has paid for burning Shireen. Serves him right. Don’t worry though. He’s still marching on Winterfell. They march towards Winterfell and they look f-ing terrible and miserable. I mean, yeah the Lord of Light melted some shit but its still cold as fuck up there. Stannis order them to form ranks in order to begin the seige in the morning but its too late.
Inside Winterfell, the Bolton men are preparing for war. Sansa takes advantage of this hustle and bustle in order to sneak out of her room. She uses the sharp object she stole a couple of episodes ago and unlocks her door. She has her hood up but really, her face is super visible. But I guess because everyone is preparing for war, they don’t really pay attention to a girl walking around. She walks to the broken tower and goes up it in order to light the candle. After she lights the candle, she sees the Bolton host surround Stannis’ men and then she leaves the tower.
Meanwhile, Pod is walking when he sees Stannis’ army marching towards Winterfell and hurries back to tell Brienne, who is still staring at the tower – waiting for Sansa to light a candle. When she hears that Stannis is so close to her, she makes the hard decision to stop watching the tower and go after Stannis. And of course, right after she leaves, Sansa lights the candle in the window. SMH. But really, what would Brienne have done when she saw the lit candle? Barge into Winterfell and demand her release? Try to fight all those Bolton men? Knowing Brienne, probably the latter. But, anyway, Brienne goes to find Stannis.
The Boltons are riding out to meet them in battle and soon surround Stannis’ men. The Boltons straight wreck Stannis’ crew. Bodies are strewn everywhere. Stannis is hurt but he still manages to take down two men. After he kills them, he sits down and leans against a tree. He hears someone walking up and says “didn’t know Boltons had girls fighting for them”, to which Brienne says “ummm…I’m not fighting for the Boltons…I was in Renly’s Kingsguard. You know, your brother Renly…the one who you had killed with that shadow demon baby?” Brienne asks him if he did that thing and he says yes, so she sentences him to death on behalf of King Renly Baratheon, First of his name, blah blah blah. When asked is he has any last words, Stannis tells her to “just get on with it” and Brienne swings her sword.
After Sansa leaves the broken tower, she is trying to make her way back to her room (I guess?). She dodges a couple of people before coming face to face with a bow wielding Miranda, who has come to escort Sansa back to her room. Theon, who is beside Miranda, tells Sansa that she should go with her but Sansa refuses, saying she knows what Ramsay is and if she’s going to die, let it be while she has some of herself left. Miranda is like “girl, I ain’t gonna kill you. Ramsay needs an heir but he doesn’t need all of you so let me mutilate you a smidgen, okay?” Right when it looks like she’s going to release her arrow, Theon knocks her arm so that the arrow doesn’t hit Sansa and then he throws her off the side of the castle. Ding dong the bitch is dead. They hear the horn signalling Ramsay’s return so Theon and Sansa run to find a way out of the castle and find one: jump from the top of the outer walls. They hold hands and take a leap. Here’s to hoping that there was enough snow on the ground to cushion their fall and that the Lord of Light hadn’t melted most of it.
Meryn Trant is at the brothel again and is being his usual dickish self. He has 3 young girls in front of him and he is whipping them like crazy hard. The first two girls scream out in pain but the third does not. He whips her until his stick breaks but she still doesn’t make a sound. He sends the other two girls away and straight punches the 3rd girl in her stomach. At this point, she is on the floor, doubled over but still does not scream. She’s doing something to her face though – she takes her fucking face off and its ARYA. She jumps at Meryn like a spider monkey and stabs him in his eyes. AHHHH. She’s just stab stab stabbing him up. She asks him if he know who she is and when she can’t make out what he’s saying, she tells him she is Arya Stark. She then tells him he is no one and he is nothing, and slits his throat. Yasssss.
She sneaks back to the room of faces and puts the face she used back in its place, while smiling a “you were the first face I used to murder someone” smile. But she is caught by Jaqen and the waif. They tell her that she’s not ready, which the waif has known for a while because she a hater. Jaqen tells her that Meryn Trant’s life was not for her taking and now she owes the Many Faced Gods a life. The waif holds Arya’s arms and opens her mouth, as Jaqen pulls out a bottle of poison.
However, instead of pouring it into Arya’s mouth, Jaqen drinks it and then he dead. Arya is like “noooooooo please don’t die friend” and the waif says “he wasn’t your friend fool, he was no one” and then the waif is Jaqen!! Wiaf-Jaqen tells her that the faces are for no one and Arya is still someone and to someone the faces are like poison. Arya looks down on dead Jaqen’s face and its a different person. Arya takes off face after face after face until she reaches her own. She’s like WTF is going on until she starts going blind and then she’s really like WTF IS GOING ON???
Jaime, Myrcella, and Trystane are saying their goodbyes to Dorne. Even Ellaria goes up to Myrcella and asks for forgiveness before planting a smooch on the lips. So sweet, right? Bronn says goodbye to Tyene (these two need to just bone and get it over with). After they have set sail, Jaime goes to speak with Myrcella, who questions whether or not her mother will like Trystane. Then Jaime goes into an awkward “I’m trying to tell you your mother and I boned” explanation but Myrcella says “Imma stop you right there. I already know and we cool. I’m happy you’re my dad, uncle-dad.” They hug and Jaime looks taken aback but happy. Awww, what a heart warming scene. But of course, because this is Game of Thrones and D&D hate love and happiness, Myrcella dies. Turns out Ellaria had poisoned her lips and so, when she kissed Myrcella on the lips, she poisoned her. But Ellaria has the antidote so she cool. Her and the Sand Snakes saunter off into the sunset (unsuccessfully trying to throw a hanky against the wind) while Jaime is left holding the body of his niece-daughter.
In Meereen, Tyrion, Jorah, and Daario are just sitting around in the aftermath of Dany going bye-bye on Drogon. Tyrion says “so you dudes both love her but neither one is fit to be her actual boo but we always want the wrong woman.” Greyworm is back and he tells Jorah that he shouldn’t be there on the account of being exiled by Dany. Daario informs Greyworm that Jorah saved Dany from certain death. Missandei chimes in saying its true and that the “little man” saved her, to which Greyworm says “dwarf”. Tyrion replies to them in Vlayrian. Apparently, Tyrion speaks Valyrian, albeit not fluently. Greyworm is sad he wasn’t there to protect his Queen. Tyrion is like “alright dudes…lets go find Dany!” Jorah stops him saying he can’t go because he’s a Lannister; Tyrion comes back saying Jorah betrayed her and she exiled him. Daario interjects saying both are right and Tyrion relents saying Jorah can come too. Daario asks Tyrion if he’s good at fighting, horseback riding, or animal tracking. Tyrion says he’s good at talking and drinking – so Daario tells him to stay in Meereen to govern it with the help of Greyworm and Missandei.
As Tyrion watches Jorah and Daario leave Meereen, Varys walks up to him. Tyrion ain’t even gonna ask how he found him – the birds sing in the east and west, if one is willing to listen. The advice Varys gives about ruling Meereen is that information is key – he needs to learn his enemies’ strengths and strategies and learn which one of his friends are not his friends – and Tyrion says “hmmm if only I knew someone with a vast network of spies…wink wink.” Varys questions how Tyrion will manage such a big city at the brink of civil war and Tyrion replies saying “Oh I did miss you”. Varys says “I know.”
Drogon has flown Dany to the grasslands (or Scotland/Ireland) and he is not moving. He’s hurt a little I guess but he just really wants to take a nap on the carcass bed he has made himself. Its so comfy, mommmmm. She tries to climb on him but he just shakes her off. Dany is also hangry so she’s like “FINE…I’ll go wander around in this unknown land by myself. Its not like I live in GRRM’s Game of Thrones world where there is danger around every doggone corner.” So she’s walking along, when she hears horses…then lots of them. Then a HUGE Khalasar surrounds her. Oh and Dany drops her ring so that if anyone comes looking for her, they *might* find this ring in the middle of a vast grassland and possibly track her to this Khalasar. Okay. Totally believable.
Cersei is still having a bad time. The Septa comes in and tells her to confess again for the 1 gazillionth time. This time Cersei agrees to confess to the High Sparrow. She names Lancel as the dude she had an extra martial affair with but does not name Jaime. When the High Sparrow asks about the accusation of incest, she denies it and says they are all lies concocted by Stannis. The High Sparrow tells her that she will have a trial because, even though she confessed, she is accused of other charges that she denies. She asks for mercy so that she may be able to see Tommen and the High Sparrow says he will allow her to return to the Red Keep after her atonement.
She is scrubbed clean by the Septas and her hair is cut veryyyy short. I guess they did a shit job of cutting her hair because she is bleeding from spots on her head. Outside the Sept, the High Sparrow announces to the gathered masses about Cersei’s charges and her confession. He says she will walk to the Red Keep naked to atone for her sins. They strip her naked and the Septa prods her to walk forward. As she starts to walk, the Septa starts saying “shame” and ringing a bell. The Septa has no chill. People are yelling, calling her names, throwing stuff, spitting, and even flashing her (what the heck?!). By the time she’s close to the Red Keep, she’s bleeding from being hit and her feet are in real bad shape. She finally makes it and walks through the gates. Qyburn immediately covers her up but Pycelle looks like he’s thinking she deserved it. Qyburn summons the new and improved Purple Faced Mountain (who has taken a vow of silence till all of Cersei’s enemies are vanquished) and he carries Cersei away. Who doesn’t want a FrankenMountain to be your shining knight in armor?
At the Wall, Jon and Sam are talking about the battle against the White Walkers. Jon is telling Sam about how terrible it was and how big of a fight they have cut out for them. There isn’t enough dragonglass and there is definitely not enough Valyrian steel. Jon remarks that he is the first Lord Commander to sacrifice his brothers to protect Wildlings. Sam has a favor to ask of Jon: he wants to go to the Citadel to become a Maester and wants to take Gilly and Little Sam with him. He thinks he will be more useful to Jon once he has read the books at the Citadel and he knows Gilly will not be safe at the Wall. He cannot bear the thought of leaving Gilly and Little Sam in danger. Sweet sweet Sam. Jon reluctantly agrees and tell Sam that the Citadel also makes him swear off women, to which Sam says “not if I have anything to say.” An amused Jon asks “yo dawg, did you hit that though?” When Sam replies in the affirmative, Jon is like “how did you do it when you were all beaten up?” Sam is like “bruh, because I’m a G.” Lulz. They drink to Sam’s return. Then we see Gilly, Sam, and Little Sam on a cart, leaving for Oldtown. Bye Sam.
Davos has finally made it to the Wall and is arguing with Jon about sending men to Stannis’ aid, while Jon is saying that the Wildlings will not fight for Stannis. The argument is moot because Stannis done already lost but they don’t know that. Whilst they’re arguing, they see Melisandre ride into Castle Black and they both do a “wut?” Davos asks after Stannis and Melisandre says nothing. Then he asks after Shireen and Melisandre just looks at him, doesn’t say anything, and walks away. Seems like Davos knows something bad done happened.
Later, Jon is in his chambers, reading letters and looking bored. He doesn’t have Sam to keep him company anymore and he is sad. Right then, Olly barges in saying one of the Wildings claims to have met Jon’s uncle, Benjen, who went missing in Season 1. The Wildling is saying that he saw Benjen at Hardhome and knows that he was the First Ranger. Jon runs out his room thinking he’s finally getting some news about his uncle. Outside, he sees a bunch of the Night’s Watch men gathered around something. Aliser says the Wildling past the men but when Jon gets there, he only sees a sign that says “traitor” on it. When he turns around, looking puzzled and concerned, Aliser “I’m always the asshole” Thorne stabs Jon while saying “For the Watch”. Then a bunch of other dudes stab Jon repeating the same thing. Then Olly steps up and Jon looks at him and says “Olly”. Then Olly “I’m an ungrateful little turd” stabs Jon too and says “For the Watch”. Fucking Olly. I wish those Thenns had eaten you too. They all walk away and we watch Jon bleed out while we sob into our hands. I knew this was coming and I still cried like a sad sad bebe.
Next week: Nothing because everything is terrible again