The Red Woman was a lot of catching up and setting up. This recap obviously contains spoilers from Season 6 Episode 1.
The episode opens on Jon laying on the snow, with Ghost howling mournfully and trying desperately to get out of the chamber he’s locked in. Davos is being sad in his room, probably because Melisandre told him that Stannis and Shireen both died. He hears Ghost howling and decides to go check it out. He sees someone laying on the snow, runs down the stairs to check on the person, and sees that it is Jon. He is then joined by several Brothers of the Night’s Watch, including Dolorous Edd. They take Jon inside (for some reason, Davos stares super hard at where Jon’s body had been laying – any thoughts as to why?) and lay him on the table, while contemplating what to do. They know Jon’s death was Alliser’s doing and that they will all be slaughtered for guarding his body; there are only like 6 of them versus the rest of the Night’s Watch. Edd goes to get Ghost out of his room because having a direwolf on their side will be helpful. Melisandre pays them a visit and is super sad that Jon is dead because she saw him in the flames, fighting in Winterfell. Edd and the rest are ready to fight and die that night but Davos reminds them that there are more people who owe their lives to Jon than the men in that room, i.e. the Wildlings. Edd takes this hint and leaves to rally the Wildlings into helping them.
Meanwhile, Alliser is doing rallying of his own – he needs to convince the rest of the Night’s Watch to join him. He owns up to the fact that he, along with a couple of others (some who look ashamed), killed Jon Snow. He admits that he never liked Jon but also never disobeyed him until Jon started to help the Wildlings, which he saw as the ushering of the end of the Night’s Watch. He thinks that Jon did what he thought was right but it would’ve destroyed the Night’s Watch so they made the “difficult” decision of murdering Jon. (Fucking Olly with his dumb smug face).
Ramsay is sad about Myranda’s death – he talks about how he saw her for the first time when she was 11 and, while everyone else was already afraid of him, she was not. And also, she smelled like dog. He promises to avenge her death; he just wishes she was alive to watch him. The maester asks whether they should bury her or burn her and Ramsay says good meat is good meat – feed her to the hounds. Gross. Roose and Ramsay discuss their victory over the Baratheon army. Roose wants to commend the man who killed Stannis – IT WAS A LADY, ROOSE. He also chastises Ramsay for feeling like a victor because they will probably be soon facing a bigger and more well prepared Lannister army. If they defeat the Lannisters, only then should Ramsay feel like a victor. For now, there is more work to be done. Roose also reminds Ramsay that without Sansa, Ramsay won’t have an heir but guess who might have an heir on the way? Roose. If Ramsay wasn’t so terrible, I would feel bad for him because his dad is awful.
Ramsay has his men and best hounds after Theon and Sansa, who are running through the snow covered forest. They cross an icy river so that the hounds can’t track their scent. It is so cold and Sansa almost doesn’t go for it but Theon tells him that dying in the cold river is better than what the hounds would do to them. (Question: how are their clothes not frozen stiff after they get out of the water and keep running in the cold?) They were wrong about the river throwing their scent off thing because they’re resting by a tree and guess who runs up on them? The men with the hounds. Theon tries to “head them off” by walking up to them and saying Sansa died because of the jump and he left her there. But they are literally on the other side of the tree that Sansa is hiding behind. And they have tracking dogs. Seriously. The dogs say “uh, this dude is straight lying because I can smell Sansa – she’s right behind this tree”. They find Sansa and they’re in a pickle. But guess who comes to their rescue?? Captain Phasma, in a weird fanfic twist (I stole this goof from my friend, Arthur). Jk. Its Brienne and Pod! They kill the Bolton men, with a little help from Theon. After the fight, Brienne pledges her service to Sansa again and this time, Sansa accepts. Can we take a minute and talk about the dogs? 1. They used bloodhounds, which are good for tracking but are also the most goofiest looking lovable dogs. They would be last dogs to fuck you up. They looked like they were trying to smooch on Sansa. And, 2. can we all just pretend that the dogs got away and were not killed in this fight? Kthankx.
Jaime has finally reached King’s Landing with dead Myrcella. How long is the boat ride from Dorne to King’s Landing and how stinky is Myrcella’s body by now? Gross. Cersei is super excited that her daughter is back but when she goes to the harbor, she sees Jaime standing on the row boat with a shrouded body behind him – “Gold will be their crowns, and gold their shrouds”. Cersei is understandably devastated by Myrcella and tells Jaime about the witch’s prophecy. Jaime does not care about prophecies or fate – they will take back everything that has been taken from them and more. Sounds like the old terrible “I-push-kids-out-of-windows” Jaime will be making a comeback.
Margaery is still having a terrible time in her cell. She is terrified of Septa Unella and all she wants to know is how her brother is doing but the Septa won’t tell her unless she confesses. The High Sparrow stops by for a visit and, while Septa Unella is terrifying, the High Sparrow is sweet and kind. A real good cop/bad cop thing going on here. He tells her that Tommen misses her very much but in order for Margaery to get back to him, she needs to confess.
Everything is fine in Dorne. Doran and Ellaria are getting along and talking about Oberyn’s life and how the two brothers were suited for their roles in life – Doran as the Prince and Oberyn as the adventurer who had sex with dudes and dudettes, lest you forget. Then, Doran gets a message and before he can speak on it, all hell breaks lose. Tyene stabs Areo Hotah with a tiny knife, which, tbh, I don’t think would’ve done much damage to the huge, beefy Areo but he goes down like a sack of potatoes. As the palace guards watch, Ellaria stabs Doran in the chest and lets him bleed out. Clearly, the palace guards support Ellaria in her quest to seek revenge for Oberyn’s death. Doran dies calling after his son, Trystane, who should be on his way to King’s Landing with Jaime but apparently is in another boat? He is visited by the other two Sand Snakes, Nymeria and Obarra. How are they on the boat when they were on the pier when Jaime and Trystane left? I don’t get it. Anyway, Trystane chooses to take on Nymeria but Obarra stabs him through the back of his head. Not cool. I don’t really understand what is going to happen in Dorne – I guess they will be joining the unrest in Westeros. I think it would’ve been more interesting to see how Cersei would’ve reacted to Trystane being in King’s Landing but you don’t always get what you want, especially in Game of Thrones.
Tyrion and Varys are dressed like merchants and roaming around the abandoned streets of Meereen. Also, Varys is not a boy anymore…because he has no twig and berries. Good jape. Tyrion tries to give money to a lady holding a baby on the side of the road but in his broken Valyrian, he ends up telling her that he wants to eat her baby. Varys calms the lady’s fears and gives her the coins. Some people in Meereen are still holding out hope for Dany and talking about carrying on her work but most are scared of the Sons of the Harpy. Varys points out that the attack at the fighting pits was very well planned which means they are getting their orders from someone. While they discuss this, a stream of frightened people start running away from the harbor. Upon inspection, they find that their whole fleet of ships is on FIYAH.
Jorah and Daario are still riding around, looking for Dany. They find the remnants of Drogon’s kills but haven’t found her whereabouts yet. On the way, Daario comments about how frustrating it must be to want someone who doesn’t want you back and Jorah admits that it is very frustrating. They find a huge patch of grass that has been disturbed in a specific pattern – something was encircled by a Dothraki horde. In the middle of the grass pattern, Jorah finds the Dany dropped. He also checks on his greyscale, which seems to be spreading.
Dany is with the Khalasar, being made to walk beside some rude ass dudes. She lets on as if she doesn’t understand what they’re saying and it probably took some effort because those were some crude dudes. Once they stop to camp, she is taken in front of Khal Moro, whose wives tell him to kill her but this just intrigues him further. Khal Moro says there is nothing better than seeing a woman naked for the first time but his Bloodriders bring up other things that are better than that, like killing a Khal, plundering a village, etc. Okay, top 5 best things in life. Geez. This was a good goof. I enjoyed it a lot. Dany finally tells them who she is, rattling of her many titles, and is taken aback when they laugh at her and call her “Queen of Nothing”. Then she tells them she was the wife of Khal Drogo. This gets her some respect and keeps her safe from being raped (because the only way to not be raped is by being linked to a previously important dude *eye roll*). But, they’re also going to take her to Dosh Khaleen, where all the other widows of fallen Khals live out the rest of their lives. BORING.
Blind Arya is begging on the streets of Braavos. People pass her while talking about what happened to the Kingsguard at the brothel but she doesn’t seem to be listening. The Waif shows up and asks her if she’s listening to the people around her. She then hurls a stick at Arya and tells her to fight. Arya can’t see so she can’t fight but the Waif doesn’t care; she hits Arya a bunch and then leaves, telling her that she will be back the next day. Arya has got to get her shit together.
Back at the Wall, Alliser promises to spare the lives of the men in the room with Jon’s body and let Davos leave with a fresh horse and food. Davos says they will think on it but after Alliser and co. leave, Davos tells the rest that Alliser and co. will definitely straight murder them all if they open the door. Davos thinks that Melisandre could help them because he has seen Melisandre do some crazy shit, as in the ghost baby that killed Renly. Melisandre is looking despondent in her room. She saw Stannis as the one King chosen by R’hllor but then he died. She saw Jon in the fire, fighting in Winterfell but then he died. So I’m sure she’s questioning her faith and abilities. She goes to look at herself in the mirror, takes her dress off, and takes her choker off. MELISANDRE IS OLD AF, Y’ALL!! LIKE REALLLLLLLLLLY OLD. Old Melisandre gets in bed and goes to sleep. Does she do this every night or is she doing this because she is feeling defeated?
Next week: Episode 2 – Home