This is part 1 of a quick 2 part House based recap of Season 5. Please read my episode recaps from last year for an in depth look at Season 5.
Mace is still such a doof. After Tywin’s death, he puts himself up for the position of Hand of the King but Cersei appoints him the joint Master of Ships and Coin. At a Small Council meeting, he tells the rest that the Iron Bank has called in 1/10th of the Crown’s debts but the Crown can’t even pay half of whats being demanded. Yeeesh. Mace is more than happy to lend the Crown the money but Cersei tells him to chill. She tasks him with going to Braavos and negotiating better terms with the Iron Bank – me thinks she’s just sending him to Braavos to annoy someone else, which he does. Tycho Nestoris HATES Mace.
Margaery married Tommen and, consequently, dug herself deeper in the “my enemies” list Cersei keeps in her heart because Margaery couldn’t help but rub her new marriage, queenship, and sex life (with Cersei’s son) in Cersei’s face. After Loras is arrested by the Faith Militant, Margaery tries to get Tommen to spring him but Tommen is helpless. He also doesn’t think his mother had anything to do with Loras’ arrest but Margaery knows better. She, of course, writes to Olenna about Loras’ arrest. She also testifies on behalf of her brother but Loras’ secret lovah, Olyvar, gives testimony against him, which leads to Margaery also being arrested for giving false testimony. Cersei visits Margaery in her cell but Margaery is definitely NOT in the mood for her shit and tells her to leave. We leave Margaery knowing that she will stand trial, along with her brother.
Loras literally gives no fucks – he is no longer careful about having his boyfie visit his chamber, which annoys Margaery. But maybe he should’ve listened to his sister because he is arrested by Crazy Lancel and his crazy friends/fellow Faith Militants. At his holy inquest, Loras denies the allegations against him and his alleged relationship with Renly. His sister testifies for him but then his boyfie (ex boyfie now, I guess) fucks up everything. Now, both he and his sister await a full trial before the Gods.
Olenna‘s grandbabies are in religion jail and she is HEATED. She has a conversation with Cersei, wherein she tells Cersei that while she and Tywin didn’t like each other, they still understood the need for rivals to team up at times, which might also be now since the Reach provided for so much of the food for King’s Landing. Cersei is Cersei and tells Olenna that the Lannisters have no rivals. At Loras’ inquest, she helplessly watches as her grandbabies are both arrested. This just will not do! She meets with the High Sparrow, who she tries to bribe and then threaten to get him to release Loras and Margaery, but he is unmoved. She then meets with Petyr Baelish, who denies any involvement in Loras’ arrest. When Olenna warns about revealing Petyr and her joint involvement in Joff’s death, Petyr gives Olenna the same thing he gave Cersei – a handsome young man – but in this instance, it is little Lancel, who eventually confesses to the affair he had with Cersei.
Prince Doran is sad because he lost his brother, Oberyn, but Ellaria and the Sand Snakes aren’t making it easy for him. Ellaria accuses him of being weak and not seeking revenge for Oberyn’s murder but, since he died fighting in a trial by combat, Doran doesn’t consider his death to be murder. Ellaria really wants to harm Myrcella but Doran prohibits it.
Jamie Lannister’s arrival in Dorne is sudden and unexpected. Once found out, Doran invites Jaime to eat with him and asks Jaime why he felt the need to sneak into Dorne. Jaime tells him about threatening message Cersei received -the snake with Myrcella’s necklace. Doran knows it was Ellaria’s doing and reassures Jaime that no harm will come to Jaime and Myrcella. He offers to send Myrcella back to Kings Landing but only if she can be accompanied by Trystane, who is to also be given Oberyn’s seat on the Small Council. Doran later admonishes Ellaria for her behavior and offers to grant her mercy if she swears loyalty to him, which she tearfully does. He sees Myrcella & Co. off but is unaware of Ellaria’s poison coated kiss to Myrcella. Betrayed again. Remember, he believes in second chances but not third ones.
Ellaria and the Sand Snakes really really really want revenge for Oberyn’s death and they’re okay with hurting Myrcella for it. Ellaria thinks Doran is weak for not raising up and army to seek revenge, but Doran has seen war and does not want to bring that to his people again. Plus he doesn’t think Oberyn’s death was murder. The Sand Snakes have the merchant who smuggled Jaime and Bronn to Dorne, so they know Jaime is coming to take Myrcella home – they have to act quickly. Obara, Nymeria, and Tyene all declare their loyalty to Ellaria instead of Doran. They make their way back to the Water Garden to kidnap Myrcella but are thwarted by the palace guards, led by Aero Hotah, and imprisoned for treachery.
Ellaria is asked to join Doran, Jaime, Myrcella, and Trystane for drinks and food, where she is less than civil to Doran and Jaime. She is rude as heck, which prompts Doran to threaten her with her life if she ever speaks to him that way again. Later, Doran gives Ellaria an ultimatum: pledge him loyalty or die and she tearfully complies. She goes to speak with Jaime and makes up for being rude earlier, implying that she knows Myrcella is his daughter and not his niece. At Jaime and Myrcella’s send off, Ellaria kisses Myrcella goodbye on the lips. As they watch them sail off, blood trickles down Ellaria’s nose and she takes the antidote to the poison she had coated on her lips to kill Myrcella. Doran is going to be pissed, especially because now Trystane’s life is in danger.
UGH Dany. Can I just skip her? No? OKAY FINE!
She’s mad that things aren’t going her way and people won’t do what she wants them to do. SHE’S QUEEN, DAMNIT! The Sons of the Harpy are creating chaos and murdering people, so she has the Unsullied to patrol the streets of Mereen. Hizdahr keeps trying to get her to open the fighting pits because tradition and stuff, but Dany doesn’t budge. Daario tries to get her to reconsider with his buns-o-steel, but she’s unmoved. Drogon hasn’t been seen in weeks and, when she goes to visit Rahegal and Viserion, they try to attack her. TBH, if my mom locked me up in the dungeons and then tried to visit me like nothing was wrong, I’d do the same.
Daario and Grey Worm find a Son of the Harpy hiding and Dany, along with her advisers, debate about what must be done with the dude. Barristan says the man deserves a free trial but the freed slave on the council, Mossador, insists that he should be put to death. After the meeting, Barristan tells Dany about her father, the Mad King, and how terrible and cruel he was; how he gave people the “justice” he thought they deserved, which ultimately led to the uprising and left all Targaryens, except Dany and Viserys, dead. Dany says she’s not like her father and promises to give the man a fair trial, but Mossador executes him without Dany’s permission. So, Dany has Mossador publicly executed after giving a spiel about how freedom and justice need to coexist. His execution riles up the people and a riot breaks out. GREAT JOB, DANY.
She has a really sweet and poignant conversation with Barristan, after which, she gives him the day off. He’s strolling the streets when he comes upon the Unsullied being attacked by so many Sons of the Harpy. He joins the fight but is killed in the battle. Sad/mad about Barry’s death, she takes the leaders of Meereen’s noble houses and takes them down to the dungeons where her two dragons are kept – to scare them into telling her who is colluding with the Sons of the Harpy. One of the leaders is killed by the dragons and she imprisons the rest of them. Taking Missandei’s advice, she visits Hizdahr and admits her mistake in not re-opening the fighting pits. She is also going to marry Hizdahr to bind herself to the noble people of Meereen, strengthening her rule over Meereen.
At the fighting pits, Dany is visibly uncomfortable with the savagery but stays after being convinced to do so by her new husbando. There’s a new fighter and he’s super good. After the fight it over, the new fighter is revealed to be Jorah – whaaaaaat?! He has a gift for Dany: Tyrion Lannister. Tyrion talks her out of executing Jorah and has him banished from Meereen instead. She and Tyrion talk about what she should do: Tyrion advises her to build a new kingdom where she is but Dany ain’t about that life. She is going to Westeros and she will conquer it.
They go to another fighting pit and Jorah is again the last fighter standing. He suddenly hurls a spear at the royal box and you think he’s so mad at Dany that he’s trying to kill her, but he’s really trying to murder the Son of the Harpy who has snuck into the royal box to murder Dany. Then, all hell breaks loose. The Sons of the Harpy reveal themselves on every level of the arena and start straight up murdering everyone, including Hizdahr. Jorah and Daario manage to get Dany down to the fighting pit and Tyrion helps Missandei escape. In the pit, they are surrounded and outnumbered by the Sons of the Harpy – it is clear to Dany that they will die here so she holds Missandei’s hand and closes her eyes, ready for death. But hold up sister – whats that noise? It’s yo dragon-son, Drogon! While Drogon is biting and burning them, the Sons of the Harpy try to attack him with spears. Dany climbs on to Drogon’s back and tells him to fly, and they take off into a terrible Neverending Story CGI. They stop far far away from Meereen, in the middle of green grassland. Drogon is hurt and is not into flying anymore. While Dany tries to find food, she sees Dothraki bloodriders. While the whole khalasar surrounds her, she drops her ring to leave a trail.
If you were a teenage King and a HOT older lady, who used to be your terrible brother’s wife, flirts with you, what would you do? Marry her, duh! Tommen really likes Margaery and realllllly likes sexing her. He’s totes getting played by her but who cares, she’s HOT. He is caught between a rock and a hard place though, with his mother on one side and his Marg on the other. Then his wife gets arrested for false testimony and, even though he’s the King, he can’t get her out. UGHHHHHHH.
Myrcella is so in love with her betrothed, Trystane. They make the cutest couple. They’re just strolling the gardens, being lovey-dovey when her Uncle-Dad springs out of nowhere to take her back. Uncle-Dads can be so unfair sometimes. She’s not into going back to Kings Landing; this is where she lives now. She’s okay with Doran’s plan to have her return to Kings Landing escorted by her fiance. At the farewell, Ellaria kisses her goodbye on the lips. On the boat, she tells Jaime that she knows about Cersei and Jaime and they hug it out, which is a sweet scene. But then her nose starts bleeding, and she dies. Ellaria got her with the ol’ poison-on-the-lips trick.
Cersei is ice cold to everyone at Tywin’s funeral, including Jaime, who she partially blames for their father’s death. She is not amused by Margaery and Tommen’s budding romance. Lancel has joined the Sparrows and is now crazy religious – he asks for her forgiveness because of their “relationship” and for serving Robert the wine that led to his death. Cersei says “ok whatever” and keeps going. Later, she shows Jaime a box she has received, containing a red viper with Myrcella’s necklace – she is pissed. Its clearing a threat from Dorne for Oberyn’s death. Jaime promises to go to Dorne and bring back Myrcella. She is still looking for Tyrion and has promised a lordship to anyone who brings her his head, which means a lot of dwarves who are not Tyrion are getting straight murdered. She’s apparently just donating these heads to Qyburn’s experiments. Cool. At the Small Council meeting, which is not attended by Tommen, she tries to appoint her Uncle Kevan as Master of War but he refuses to be her puppet and returns to Casterly Rock instead. She tries to turn a besotted Tommen against his new bride but he asks her how she would like to return to Casterly Rock instead. Unnerved by this, she goes to confront Margaery but loses in the passive aggressiveness battle because Margaery is on top of her backhanded compliment game.
She makes an “alliance” with the High Sparrow and throws the High Septon (who had been paraded through the streets naked for having been caught in a brothel) into the black cells. She later names the High Sparrow as the new High Septon. She clearly thinks doing this will mean she will have the High Sparrow’s loyalty – oh sweet summer child. After Loras’ arrest, Tommen asks her if she had anything to do with it and she says no. She meets with Petyr Baelish, who divulges Sansa’s whereabouts to her, saying once Stannis’ army fight the Bolton’s, he would get the army of Vale to finish off the winner; all he wants in exchange is to be named the Warden of the North and Cersei is okay with that.
After Margaery is imprisoned for giving false testimony, Tommen is hella depressed and Cersei tries to make him feel better by tell him she will burn everything to the ground if it meant protecting him. Nothing like a warm fuzzy story. She visits Margaery, who does not want to see her. She then visits the High Sparrow, who informs her that Loras and Margaery are to both face a full trial and that their falsehoods will be revealed, as is everyone’s, including Cersei – apparently Lancel done confessed his sins, y’all. Cersei is taken to a cell and imprisoned, but not before she threatens to kill them all for what they are doing to her. While in custody, Cersei is having a rough time – the septas withhold water until she confesses and although she seems stoic at first, like she doesn’t need water to survive, but after refusing to confess, she licks the poured out water off of the floor. Qyburn visits her with news from the Red Keep: Tommen is in deep depression, Pycelle has summoned Kevan from Casterly Rock, and Qyburn’s experiment is progressing. Cersei finally breaks down and confesses to the High Sparrow but only admits to adultery with Lancel and not incest with Jaime, which, if Lancel is her cousin, wouldn’t it still be considered incest? Anyway, as her trial, she is stripped naked, with her hair shorn off, and made to walk through the city streets to the Red Keep. She tries to keep her head high but it is a terrible form of punishment; people are yelling insults at her and pelting her with rocks and gross stuff. Bloodied and bruised, she finally makes it to the Red Keep, where Kevan, Pycelle, and Qyburn are waiting for her. Qyburn introduces to their newest Kingsguard, Frankengregor, who carries her away to have her wounds looked at.
Jaime kind of feels guilty about Tywin’s death, after all, he helped Tyrion escape, who ended up killing Tywin. Cersei summons him to show him a gift she received, clearly as a threat from Dorne. She is livid and, in order to calm her down, he promises to go to Dorne himself and bring Myrcella back. He goes to Castle Stokeworth to recruit his old buddy Bronn to join him on his trip. In Dorne, they best some Dornish soldiers and don their clothes to sneak into the castle. At the Water Gardens, they surprise Myrcella and Trystane and Jaime tries to convince Myrcella to leave with him, but they are themselves surprised by the Sand Snakes. After a small skirmish, Aero Hotah breaks up the party and Jaime is imprisoned in a nice cell, while Bronn is taken to the actual cells. Myrcella is allowed to visit her Uncle-Dad, and Jaime urges Myrcella to leave with him, which she refuses. Girl is in love. Jaime later meets with Doran, who asks him why he snuck into Dorne to abduct Myrcella, so Jaime explains the whole threatening box thing. Doran offers to let Jaime take Myrcella back if the engagement can still stand, Trystane can go with them, and take Oberyn’s seat on the Small Council. Jaime agrees to these terms. After they bid Dorne farewell, on the boat, Jaime talks to Myrcella, who tells him she knows about Cersei and him. She tells him she’s glad that he is her real father and they hug. But then her nose starts bleeding, she collapses, and dies in his arms.
Tyrion is in Pentos, at the house of Illyrio Mopathis, where Varys is trying to persuade him to help restore House Targaryen to the Iron Throne but all Tyrion wants to do is DRINK. They talk more, discussing the kind of leader that the Seven Kingdoms needs, until Varys tells Tyrion he can either drink himself to death or go to Meereen and meet Dany, to which Tyrion agrees. They have to travel to Meereen in a carriage though and be hidden, because of the bounty that Cersei has placed on Tyrion’s head. Having had enough of the carriage, Tyrion opts to walk to Volantis, accompanied by a reluctant Varys. They visit a brothel, where they meet a woman dressed up as Dany. After Tyrion talks to a prostitute, he goes outside to relieve himself but is caught and abducted by Jorah, who is going to take Tyrion to “the Queen” – Dany.
Gagged and bound, Tyrion annoys Jorah enough to get him to remove his gag. Tyrion is very perceptive and guesses who he is, that he was banished by Dany, and that he is hoping to get back in Dany’s good graces by bringing her Tyrion. While sailing through Old Valyria, they notice Drogon flying overhead and then get attacked by Stonemen. Tyrion is dragged under water by one of them but he is rescued by Jorah and both of them make it shore. Both seem to have gotten away unharmed but, unbeknownst to Tyrion, Jorah has been infected with greyscale. As they make their way to Meereen by foot, they are both captured by slavers but Tyrion convinces them to put Jorah into the fighting pits since he is a famous Westerosi fighter. When they reach the outskirts of Meereen, Jorah is sold to Yezzan zo Qaggaz, whom Tyrion tries to convince to buy him also, by beating his handler with his own chain. Yezzan relents and takes his slaves to the fighting pits, where Jorah enlists to fight as soon as he hears that Dany is in attendance. After Jorah wins, he presents Tyrion to Dany as his gift.
Dany wants to execute Tyrion as revenge but he tells her that he killed both his mother and father, so killing him won’t really be revenge. Dany then asks what she should do with Jorah and Tyrion talks her into banishing him once again instead of executing him. Dany decides to take Tyrion on as her adviser on how to conquer the Seven Kingdoms. Tyrion tries to tell her that she would be better off establishing a new kingdom in Essos but she’s not having it – she will conquer Westeros. Dany has always been very idealistic in thinking that the common people will support her – Tyrion tells her all that sounds great when you say it but questions how she intends to win the Seven Kingdoms where maybe one great house will support her claim, if she’s having such a hard time controlling the chaos in Meereen. Her answer: she isn’t trying to stop the wheel, she will break it – whatever that means. More of her grand talks with no real actions to support it, me thinks.
At the Great Games in Daznak’s Pit, Tyrion is in the Royal box along with Dany, Missandei, Daario, and Hizdahr. Jorah wins the game and then the Sons of the Harpy attack. Tyrion helps Missandei and they both manage to get down to the fighting pit along with Daario and Dany. Surrounded by the Sons of the Harpy, they are “helped” by Drogon, who flies down and starts chomping and burning the Sons of the Harpy. Dany gets on Drogon’s back and they take off.
In the wake of Dany’s departure, they try to figure out what to do. Tyrion surmises that Drogon flew north and that they should follow. After a quick argument with Jorah, Daario convinces both that he and Jorah should follow Drogon’s path and try to find Dany, while Tyrion stays behind and manages things in Meereen. Later, Tyrion is joined by Varys as they watch Jorah and Daario leave.
Next up, Part 2 of the Season 5 Recaps: Greyjoy, Bolton, Baratheon, and Stark.